Take Off Your Colours
by just keep breathing
Summary: In every sentence lays a story, and in every story lays a heart. I can only hope that in Spencer’s stories her heart lays next to mine... Spashley. Slightly AU. Complete :
1. Chapter 1

**I'm back :] This is a new story, which kind of just came to me today. I'm not sure where it's going, or if it will go anywhere, but we'll see.**

**Take Off Your Colours**

I think there comes a time in every life where you just have to pack up, and move on. The things you once knew are gone. Everything but you is moving, and world is spinning, and you realize that you aren't moving with it.

**Those eyes you bought have gone to my head**

You over think everything now. Down to the next meal you're going to eat, or the words you'll say to the next person you meet. Everything just goes into your head, and makes you crazy.

**But they won't take you to my bed  
you talk a good game  
But girl you've been played  
Look at this face you choose to play**

It becomes routine, you head to a club, you pick up a girl, and you get laid. You always choose the ones with the sarcastic mouth, but have a sweet side. It's funny though, because they all know who you are and what you do, but they keep coming. You never see the same girl twice, and by then they all know they've been played. They can all brag now that they've too slept with Ashley Davies.

**The towns talk keeps me up to date  
We will never be the same**

Everyone knows my name by now, probably because I've slept with all their sisters, daughters and friends. It's funny to listen to the things they say about me, and rumors they start. Too bad they don't know that I compare every girl to the one I lost. Too bad they're too shallow to realize that I'm broken, and nothing can fix me anymore.

**This is a war**

This whole life is just a battle. One that has been designed to kill us off, to make us suffer until we take that last shot that just strips us of everything we are. I must be one of the unlucky ones, because somehow I'm still alive. Somehow, I'm living without a heart.

**This is a heart**

Physically, I still have a heart yes, but mentally, it's long gone. All these girls, all the talk, it just keeps me going. The girls make me feel like if only for a second I'm cared about. The talk keeps me wanting more, makes me want to keep them guessing.

**These are the strings you'll pull  
These are the stakes  
They have been raised**

I can get myself into any club, get anyone I want, and feel no shame. I know everyone, and by default, they know me. It should be nice, I should be happy, but I'm not. I wake up every day remembering when she left, and I go to sleep every night dreaming of a day when she'll come back. This brings me back to why I have to pack up and leave…

**It's your call.  
Too much has changed,**

As much as I'd love to tell you that I've moved on, and the one that got away doesn't control me, I can't. She's still calling the shots, making all the calls, and I just follow them. She's someone in Hollywood now. She's made it big, reached all her dreams. She's changing the world, one person at a time, and she does it flawlessly. I can't stay here anymore, too much has changed, and I'm still the same.

**I hate this place  
But I don't want to leave it this way**

There was a time where this place was my paradise. A day where I could walk outside and know that everything will be great that this day will be mine. Now it's full of regret and broken promises. Skewed relationships run this place now. Everyone is getting married, living life, and I'm still stuck in high school. This is why I need to leave. I need to fix this place, let it go back to what it used to be. A life without me here, will fix all of that.

**So let's get it straight**

This all probably seems silly, like something you'd see in a movie. A girl who's lost the one thing to keep her living, the girl who left, and a new life, but I promise this movie has no happy ending.

**Without a thought I will take  
I'll take it all away.**

The movie starts slow, and brings heartbreak, and a going away party. The climax begins, and the hurt girl tries to take her life. Tries and fails, which should be a happy ending, but in reality it's a tragedy.

**That's the price you pay for having luck in the first place.**

All the characters talk about how lucky the girl is, and how now she has a second chance. But the girl thinks differently, and brings herself into a life of drugs and meaningless sex. She tries everything to mask the pain of heartbreak, and she does nothing to find the girl she once had been.

**Call it what you want**

She's spent the last year of high school an outcast, and was only remembered by the one who left. How she graduated, she couldn't even tell you that. She did though, not like she put it to use. College used to be her dream, now it just remains in the past. Call it what you want, but she has become a shell of a once lively girl.

**I've spent too long under your thumb**

I'd love to tell you how the story goes from there, but it's still being written. I'd love to tell you it ends with a happy ending with a cliché line or two thrown in, but it's not likely. Considering I'm the star in this little Lifetime flick, happy won't be something you'll be getting. As of now I know I've spent too much time living under the rock of the past and it's time to start moving. The whole world has been spinning, and time has been ticking, and while I've been just standing here, she's out there. I always assumed she'd be the one to come back, that if it was fate, it would happen. But I was wrong. It takes two, and I can't just stand here as lives go on, I have to move, I have to be the one to chase her.

**And now the clouds have had their say.**

For the next scene, it will be just me and the sky. Because I'm moving, and my first stop is Hollywood. Goodbye LA, hello Spencer Carlin.

**Okay, this is just the first part of this chapter. Song for this chapter, and the next half is Take Off Your Colours by You Me at Six. Please review and tell me if it's worth continuing:]**


	2. Chapter 1 continued

**Hello again. This is the second half to chapter one. This gives a little background into Spencer and Ashley's relationship. Same song. I don't own anything by the way, it's a shame, I know.**

**Take Off Your Colours**

**I'll make a bet that says we don't leave this place as friends.**

I remember the day when Spencer and I met. I was happy back then, a junior in high school with a life ahead of myself. Like any other teenager I was desperately searching for whatever it is we call love. It was only a few weeks into the school year we she came. Her and her brothers were transfer students from some town no one has ever heard of in Ohio. It didn't matter where she came from though, because she was flawlessly gorgeous.

I was at my locker, because like always I was late, when I first got a good look at her. The golden hair was just a plus to her eyes. To explain the complexity of them would not give them justice.

Usually I would look at a girl as pretty or cute, but this one, she was beautiful. Beautiful is a term that I feel is tossed around too often, just as the term love. When used in the right context though, and with complete feeling, these words can do wonders. Without any objection, this girl was in every sense of the word beautiful.

She walked by me with nothing but a glance, but at that moment, I know that if I had any control over it, we wouldn't end this as just friends. It would be more than that.

**Are you comfortable, **

It wasn't long before we became friends. We shared many classes and that made interacting with her and getting to know the person behind the eyes easier. She had a way with words that can only be described and poetic. Without the rhymes of course, but it was as if everything she said held a greater meaning just waiting to be found.

We got to the point in the friendship where things seemed to be moving to something bigger. She had told me about the thoughts she's had about being gay, and we'd talked about it on many occasions. I never acted on any of it though, until one night we were watching a movie, and I casually grabbed her hand.

I tried to ignore the shock given to me by the softness of her skin, but I couldn't. It only took seconds for her to look over at me, and with a blank expression on her face, look down at our now tangled fingers.

That marked the beginning of us as one. Because I looked over and simply asked:

**Are you comfortable with this?**

She didn't have to answer, and she knew this. She just smiled, and returned her attention to the movie. That's all it took to send my body into a natural high. The smile said everything. I could have sat there thinking of a theory behind the smile, but what's the point. A theory can be on anything, but it's different than a theory on everything. A theory can never be proven true, so why waste time thinking them up when they can just as easily be counteracted with a new theory?

**You play the lady  
I'll play the gent  
We will call it time well spent.**

Life was simple for a while. I opened all the doors, carried all her books, and played the perfect role of a gentlewoman. She always giggled when we'd hold hands in the hallway, and always said thank you when I held the door. I can say that our relationship was over indulgent and overly cute. But there was love nonetheless. The love lay within the bond we created between us. Within the inside jokes, and shared glances, it wasn't a spoken love, but a known quiet love. The time we spent together was great, and not on second was ever wasted.

**But I've been lying and you're gonna hate me for this.**

With every relationship however, comes lies, and with every lie comes heartbreak. Being the person I am, a person with a past, everything eventually was revealed, no matter how hard I tried to hide it. My past was something I wasn't proud of, but I regretted none of it. Yeah, I have always slept around and did drugs, of course like anyone I have a few skeletons in my closet, but not once did I ever believe those things could affect Spencer and me. They were in the past, and I no longer did then. Yeah, at one time I was pregnant and lost the baby. Maybe I was a slut, but that was then.

The biggest secret though held greater meaning. The events of sophomore year are things I'm not proud of. The things that happened between Aiden and I can never be erased, but as for telling Spencer, I didn't see a great importance.

It's a big secret to keep from someone you're close to, I'm aware, getting pregnant is huge. But the fear of being judged, of being left was huge. I didn't feel like those events of the past truly could come into play in the future. But it was as if one little white lie about the past became another, and another, until I almost didn't know the reality.

I don't think that's what made her leave, I know for a fact that isn't what made her leave. It was the fact that I didn't tell my Dad about us. It was when he came to visit and I refused to call her anything but a friend. Looking back that was wrong of me, but at the time it seemed right. If you never saw your father, if you wanted nothing but his respect and love, on the one day of the year that you get to see him, would you used that time to tell him you're gay? Would you singlehandedly destroy the little relationship you had already? To say I was scared is an understatement; to say it was okay is a lie.

Lie and be lied to. It was all I knew, and it was how I lived. It starts with one, and ends with many.

**This is the storm,  
so let it pour and take over your shores.**

I'd love to tell you the lie that set the fire ablaze, but that I cannot. May it have been from lies about past relationships, or just the buildup of lies altogether, I wouldn't know. What I do know is that eventually these lies took over our relationship. Relationships should be based on trust; ours though I believe was based solely on lust.

**Here comes the rain,  
I'll have my day it's so sore**

It wasn't till a few days after that I felt the shock of her leaving me. It wasn't until months after that the quiet unrequited love, became loud and known. It was at that moment I cried. I cried for all the mistakes I had made, for all the lies we shared between each other. For all the things I was never able to say, but most importantly I cried for not realizing the importance of this girl in my life. Because I wasn't able to see it, until she was gone.

**Let it be heard**

After she left I called my Dad. I told him everything, and left not one detail out. I told him how happy she made me, and about the fight we had. To this day I cannot tell you if he was accepting of me, or just tolerant. I guess I can never really know, because one week later he was in a plane crash, and didn't make it.

After that event, she didn't call. It was as if I had been erased from her mind, and my feelings, my life, had no meaning.

**Lessons to learn**

Most people would look back at all this stuff and say how much they regret it, or how badly they want to redo it all. As much as it hurt, I wouldn't change anything, because everything that happened has made me better. Well, if you ignore the late night clubbing, and sneaking from under girls in the morning, I really am better.

I know what needs to be said, and what needs to be done. I know who I need to be in order to make a relationship work. Most importantly, I know how to let myself love, without hiding it.

I'm slowly beginning to live and learn.

**And it will never hurt like this again.**

With learning comes prevention, anyway the two make sense in my mind. One you learn that one action spirals and becomes bad, you know not to do it again, and if you do happen to do it again, well that's your fault.

I kind of figure that life is supposed to work that way, you mess something up, you learn, and it doesn't happen again unless you're an idiot. It's like when you're little and you see the stove, and touch it, then you get burned. Since it hurt, you obviously won't do it again, well assuming you aren't some weirdo who loves pain or something. Either way, you get what I mean.

**Take off your colours**

I figure with relationships you have to open up fully and not hide who you are. That was the mistake I made with Spencer. By not telling my Dad about our relationship I was indirectly putting a wall up between Spencer and me unconsciously.

**Who are you wearing them for?**

Figuratively I was hiding behind a mask, and she was never able to fully know who I was, and she won't be able to until I can find out why I have a mask on in the first place.

I was wearing one to hide from my Dad, that is a given. But I can't help but think it is deeper than just him.

Now that I'm really analyzing this I was wearing the mask to hide from myself. I was the one who didn't want to see me. I was scared of the love, of being loved, and loving someone back. I was scared of how that would affect my life; I was scared of being hurt. So in turn I hid, and inevitably killed our relationship.

But I'm done being that person who hides; I'm ready for the relationship and everything that comes with it. If I've learned anything the past few years it's that no matter how many people I sleep with, it won't change the fact that Spencer is the one for me. I can only hope that the same is true for her, because if not, showing up in her life won't go according to plan.

Today is the day I leave behind that girl who doesn't know what she wants. Tomorrow, I'm heading off to obtain the things I want, no, the things I need. Love and Spencer.


	3. Chapter 2

**Back again! So second half of chapter one was there to give you a little bit of a background in Spashleys' relationship. This chapter is the first meeting, kind of exciting, kind of not. Thanks to all of you who have been reviewing and putting this on story alert. It means a lot, and keeps me writing. Don't be shy, that review button at the bottom of the page is lonely!**

**Take Off Your Colours**

Have you ever had the best idea ever, and then once you started to act on that idea realized that you are completely insane? That's exactly how I feel right now. All the way here I was so pumped, I had every word planned out, everything was going to perfect. Except, now I'm sitting outside of Spencer's film studio, shaking in my boots, literally. Not only have I forgotten everything I had planned on doing when I got here, I've also forgotten how to move. I bet breathing comes next, especially because Spencer is walking out right now, and is becoming dangerously close to my car.

This most certainly was not part of my plan, even though I don't remember the specifics of my plan; I know this was not included. I kind of figure I have three options right now. One, I drive away super fast, and pretend I was never here. Two, I can slump down super low in my seat, and hope she doesn't see me. Or three, I can sit here, and someone play this all out by staying calm and cool.

I look over to see where she is, and we lock eyes. So much for driving away, or hiding in my seat, not that would have done much considering I'm in a convertible.

She looks amazing. It's been two years since I've graduated, and three since she left. I expected her to change, but she really hasn't. Same blonde hair, same kind of careless, but comfortable, style, and same piercing ocean blue eyes. Compared to me she's doing the whole growing up thing flawlessly. Don't get me wrong, I'm hot, but Spencer, she's gorgeous. You see she's a woman, while I'm still a teenage girl.

She doesn't take her time walking over to my car. She's always been the more confrontational person, while I prefer just holding grudges and not confronting people.

"Ashley? Is that really you?"

At this moment darling, I'm not sure. But I'd love to be whoever you want me to.

Usually I'd say something clever like that, but I think this is a bad time for that.

"Yep, it's Ashley Davies in the flesh."

She smiles; man did I miss that smile.

"Wow, I didn't expect to see you, it's been what… three years?"

Yeah, three long hopeless years.

"Something like that. You look great Spence."

Spence? Am I still allowed to call her that? Or has the absence of communication the past three years taken away that right?

"Thanks, you look good too Ashley. What are you doing here anyway, if it's okay to ask?"

What am I doing here?

"I figured it was time for me to grow up, and I couldn't do that in LA."

Well, it's kind of what I'm doing here. I think it's a little too soon to confess all the things I feel right now. There is so much trust to gain back, and hopefully a friendship to build.

"We all have to grow up sometime huh?"

I just nod, while she checks her watch.

"I really have to go, I have a deadline with this documentary, but we really need to catch up…"

She goes to her purse and scribbles down something on a sticky note.

"Here's my number, we should have lunch or something, if you want anyway."

Her number, this must be a sign that Ashley Davies' still got it.

"Yeah, that'd be great. I'll call you later then."

"Bye Ashley, it was good seeing you."

And now she's gone. But I have her number. That was a lot easier than I thought it would be. As soon as we started talking, even though it was just polite chitter chatter, it felt comfortable. She has a way with making people feel comfortable, she always has.

Time after time you hear stories of people falling in love. You hear of the struggles they go through, and the walls they have to climb. But you never hear about the breakups, or the time apart. You hear the fairy tale endings, and never the unhappily ever afters. It makes things easier I suppose; being able to skip those moments must be nice.

Spencer and I aren't really fairy tale material though. I'm pretty sure kids don't want to hear stories about sex drugs, and rock and roll. Not to mention the fact that my prince charming is a princess.

I love to dream that every life ends with a happy face and cheer, but the reality is that it won't, it just can't. Because like I said before, life is a fight, and it's going to deliver you those blows that bring you down.

Now though, I need sleep, to possibly build up the courage to call Spencer. To build up my defenses of those blows that are destined to be thrown at me.

_The Next Morning._

Somehow last time I was able to find a little hotel that wasn't already booked. If I would have planned this better, I would have remembered how busy Hollywood is, and wouldn't have been stuck in dinky little hotel.

It doesn't really matter right now though, as long as I have somewhere to stay until I can find a place. Assuming I have a reason to stay here anyway.

I've been just staring at my phone for a while now. I even dialed the numbers a few times, but I've yet to bring myself to hit the send button. It's a lot more difficult than you'd think. I have two major fears, one is that someone else answers, someone who Spencer is dating. The other being what exactly should be said during this phone call. Should I casually talk and make conversation, or do I straight out ask her to lunch?

All this makes me realize how much I really think. Everyone thinks of course, but I take it to a new level. I over analyze every move, every word, everything. I try to find the exact meaning of everything. All I do is think of the what if's to keep me from seeing the reality. I think so much it might just one day kill me. Just like a Shakespearean play, I'm a character struck with a fatal flaw that will someday bring me to my demise. I have the tragic flaw of thoughts.

I need to get this over with. I need to just call her. I press send, and wait.

It rings once.

It rings twice.

"Hello?"

This is one of those moments I should have practiced in the mirror. Like you see on television someone stand in the mirror saying the same phrase a million different ways.

It could come out, 'hey Spence!', or maybe a little more subtle, 'hey Spencer, it's Ashley.' Or maybe I can lower the tone of my voice, or sound more excited.

Anyways, this is one of those moments that shouldn't go unrehearsed, remember that.

"Um, hey Spencer? It's Ashley."

Heart speeding, breath shortening.

"Oh hey Ash, how're you?"

Ash? Does that mean that my ability to call her Spence is still there? Does this mean we're allowed to go back to a nickname kind of friendship without any weirdness?

"I'm pretty good, I was just wondering if I could take you up on that offer to go to lunch."

Heart stopping, hands sweating.

"Actually I was just getting ready to go to lunch, so that would work out great. There's a little restaurant across from the studio, I'm sure you saw it. I'll meet you there in about a half hour, if that's convenient for you?"

Heart starting, mind wondering.

"That's perfect, I'll see you there."

It's crazy to see how easy it is to start something with someone you thought was lost forever. Granted lunch could mean nothing to her, but to me it means everything. It means a second chance at a friendship, at a potential relationship. After I hung up my phone, I had a feeling, a really good feeling. Because at that moment when I hung up the phone, at that moment, I know that if I had any control over it, we wouldn't end this as just friends. It would be more than that. It had to become more than that.


	4. Chapter 3

**Happy Easter everyone! Here's another chapter for you all!**

**Take Off Your Colours**

I wonder if it's true when they say that love conquers all. Mostly, I wonder who 'they' are. Are they the poets, the artists, the musicians? Or are they the everyday people, the people who watch from the outside looking in? Whoever they are, I love their way with words, and their optimism. It's encouraging.

It's amazing to see how a few words can impact someone's whole way of thinking. A few words can inspire someone to move mountains, to save lives.

I want to be one of those people. The kind of person who can change the world with their words, the kind of person everyone looks up to. Maybe it's a long shot, but it doesn't matter, because as long as I impact one person, my goal is complete.

Maybe that's why music has always been such a big part of my life. I listen to album after album searching for that one lyric that can inspire someone. I wait for the melodies that can move the mountains, and I look for the bridge that can link the world together. I want to write those things, share them with people. I want to write the words your heart is too scared to believe, and I want to sing the melodies your ears have yet to hear.

Anyway, I've been at this diner for about fifteen minutes. I wanted to get here early, because I didn't want Spencer to have to wait around for me. I've been sitting here scribbling lyrics down on napkins. Nothing I write seems to flow though, but it's writing nonetheless. I haven't had any reason to write in such a long time that the fact that pen meets paper at this moment is amazing.

"Oh hey Ash, I hope you weren't waiting here for too long."

I jump a little as her soft words startle me from my writing.

"Oh no, it's fine, I just got here."

She takes a seat across from me and grabs one of the napkins that I had so helplessly been scribbling on moments before.

"You're still writing huh?"

I shyly nod. Sharing my writing has always been weird for me. It's like showing someone the insides of your mind; it's making yourself completely vulnerable to someone else.

"Ashley, this is really good. You know that right?"

Really it's just a line? A line with almost no meaning, they're just words strung together in a sentence. They are unrelated words that even though I wrote them, I don't know what they truly mean, it's just a sentence.

"I was just writing down some nonsense, it's nothing."

She looks back down at the napkin and laughs a little.

"Ashley, you've always been so clueless. Did you even read this after you wrote it?"

I shrug my shoulders and she sighs.

"Now I'm in stitches, over you. "

I laugh hearing Spencer read the line out loud. It sounds even sillier coming out of someone's mouth.

"Don't laugh, Ash, really you might not think it means anything, but it could, it does."

I look at her, and I really take the time to look at her. I don't think I have ever taken the time to look at her. Sure I've seen her, but I've never truly looked. I can tell that she means what she said, that she cares, that my words, that simple sentence, means something to her.

"Ash do you remember that day we spent in your room? We shut our phones off, and decided to just talk the whole day, so we could learn everything there was to know about each other?"

How could I forget? We got in so much trouble that day. We skipped school, missed dinner at her house. We talked the whole day, and left nothing to the imagination.

"Of course, your Mom grounded you for a week after that."

She giggles before continuing her thought.

"Well, I asked you what you were trying to accomplish with your music. What did you say?"

I remember when she asked me that. I just had let her read a few songs from my notebook. I've never let anyone read my writing before, but it seemed like a good time to let someone. She told me it was amazing, and then asked me that question.

"I told you that I wanted people to find their own stories in my songs, rather than just listening to my own stories."

She nods.

"Right, you said you wanted to impact someone, anyone. So even though you say that this sentence means nothing, Ashley, to someone it could mean everything, remember that."

I know I'm sitting here with the goofiest smile right now. Before I can say anything a waiter walks up.

"Hey Spencer and friend, can I get you anything.

I look to Spencer, telling her to go first. She knows what she wants without even opening the menu. She must come here a lot considering the waiter, whose nametag reads Marcus, knows her by name.

"The usual Marcus thanks."

He nods and smiles before turning my direction.

"And how about you, you know, you must be pretty cool since Spencer invited you here. She never comes with anyone."

I'll have to remember to ask her about that.

"Yeah, I'm pretty cool. I'll just have whatever Spencer is having thanks."

He laughs and walks away. I see Spencer looking over at the napkin again, she seems to like it.

"You know, you can keep it. Like you said, even if it means nothing to me, it could mean everything to someone else right?"

She smiles and thanks me.

"I'll keep it, if you promise to make something from it. I want an Ashley Davies original song."

She's always wanted me to write a song for her. Not a song about her, but a song for her. I never got around to it.

"I'll see what I can do."

Sticking out her hand and giving me her pinky she asks me to promise.

"Pink swear Ash?"

I link my pinky with hers.

"I pinky swear."

We just laugh as Marcus brings out our food, which is two garden salads and water. We say our thank you's and he walks back to the kitchen.

"So Spencer, do you really always come here alone?"

She rolls her eyes.

"I was hoping you didn't hear that part, but yeah. I don't really make too many friends around here. Everyone in Hollywood is fake; it's just easier to keep to myself."

Fake, that's something I know all about. It's what I've been living for the past three years. It's what I've been up until this moment.

"Yeah I get what you mean. But, Ashley Davies is here, which means Miss Carlin that your friendless days are over."

She smiles. God do I love making her smile. I wonder if this means since she has no friends that she's had no girlfriends. I suppose I can bring that up later, much later.

"Sure Ash. Anyway, how are you really? What have you been up to the past three years?"

I was hoping she wouldn't ask me that question, but I guess it was inevitable.

"How about we save the stories for now, because face it Spence, we don't know each other anymore. We need to fix that. How about you choose a day, and we can turn our phones off, sit in my nasty hotel room, and get to know each other again? How does that sound?"

Maybe that's a long shot, but it's a shot worth taking.

"You know what; I really need a day off. That sounds awesome Ash. How about tomorrow. I have a zillion meetings with people I don't want to see, so why not skip it. You always said I needed to take more chances anyway."

My heart races and my thoughts become mush. Oh what a wonderful hold does this girl have on me?

"Tomorrow is perfect."

She stands up, and leaves a few dollars on the table.

"I'll call you tonight then, thanks for today, I needed it. Don't forget about our promise either. Bye Ash."

Talking to Spencer has always been easy. Conversation always flows between us, and it's never awkward. I think that's why we make such good friends. Tomorrow should be truly interesting, because I'll be forced to show her a song, which is being written in my mind. I'll have to tell her, that the stitches I'm in are because of her, and it will always be that way. I'll have to share the feelings that I've kept inside for so long, and pray that these feelings somehow are return, even just a little bit.

Words flow and hearts beat. That's how life works. Everyday life goes on. Eventually we find the person that completes us, they make us float, and keep us from drowning in the ocean of our thoughts.

Life seems so complicated, but really, it's not. We live, we breathe. Some of us work, while others play, but we all come together with one simple word: love. We live our lives searching for that one person who we feel completes us, and we find them, and become completed. The circle continues, and as some people are left alone, others are left chasing the one who got away. I suppose the cycle isn't flawless, but how can it be since we're human?

Spencer is right, in every sentence lays a story, and in every story lays a heart. I can only hope that in Spencer's stories her heart lays next to mine, and they beat in perfect time.

**Review, review, review. I will beg :]**


	5. Chapter 4

**Hey, I really want to thank everyone for their support. Everything is still really stressful here, but I need to write to clear my head. Thank you all again so very much for everything you all had to say, it helped a lot, and means SO much to me that you all took the time to talk to me. This chapter is kind of… different. I put a lot of myself into Ashley in this story, so in this one most of what I'm writing is how I'm feeling, which hopefully adds to the emotion and doesn't completely mess up the story. Please review :]**

**Take Off Your Colours**

Spencer has been here for a little over an hour, and I do have to say that I really needed someone to talk to. Someone can only keep their thoughts in for so long before they just implode. All my thoughts have been stuck in my head for so long, it's almost as if I don't know myself anymore because even I haven't heard them aloud.

"So, enough of all this small talk, who is Ashley Davies these days, where've you been?"

I knew this part was coming; of course inviting her here was to tell her everything, to get to know her again. But it doesn't make this any easier. I've never been good at letting people in, and even though Spencer and I were once close, I never did let her in. I think she knows that too, but she never has pressed me on it, until now.

"To be honest, I don't know who I am."

She just looks at me confused with her head all tilted. It's very much so adorable; it's something she's always done.

"Well, start from the beginning then Ash. You are definitely not the same girl from high school. What happened after I left? I know that a lot of stuff happened leading up to me leaving and I take responsibility for some of it, but really Ash, what happened to that girl?"

Sometimes I wish I could just freeze time, if only for a moment. Times like these I want to be able to just think about what comes out of my mouth next. I want to choose the words that are perfect, and I want to put them together into sentences that mold together flawlessly. But I can't freeze time, and I don't have enough time to sit and analyze the words that I'm about to say.

That's been my life for so long. Over analyzing, over thinking, that now when I can't do that, I feel open. I can't decide if that's a good feeling, and it makes me want to run, but I can't. I away from everything to be here, if I run again, where do I go?

"Well you leaving was a huge blow for me. I mean, I made some mistakes and dealing with those was hard enough, you leaving just made it worse."

She's fidgeting with her fingers, which lets me know she's nervous. I don't want her to be nervous, I should be nervous, not her.

"I don't get it Ash. Honestly we didn't know each other, like at all. We were strangers you know? We worked off of lust, and we worked because talking is comfortable for us. Obviously if it was more than lust, it wouldn't have ended like that. Don't get me wrong Ash, I loved you, but we weren't in love."

I know that, all of it is things I've thought a million times since she left.

"You're right, but it was the beginning of my downfall. You left, and I was alone to deal with my mistakes, and God knows that I don't do well when I'm alone. It wasn't until you left that I realized that we could have been in love, that if I would have just let myself be open, we could have had more. I called my Dad that week and told him everything. I told him about us, and about you leaving. I thought maybe that would somehow fix something you know?"

She nods.

"I wanted to call you, but I knew that it was too soon. So I waited, and then everything just came crashing down. My Dad died, and no one called me. Not you, not anyone. My Mom was home for like two minutes and all she cared about was the money. I thought maybe that would be something we could come together with, but it wasn't. She left the day after my Dad's wake, and I think she took the old me with her."

We're sitting in front of the ugly window with a horrible view in this shitty hotel room, and here I am spilling myself to a girl who in essence I don't know.

I think this would be the part of the movie where the main character reconnects with that person that left, but it doesn't go well. Especially because they are in a sleazy hotel room, on the floor, in front of a window with the view of a freeway.

"So what happened after that?"

It seems like it should be a really simple question to answer, but it's really not.

"I stop caring, about everything. Myself, my grades, nothing really mattered to me anymore. I don't even know how I graduated, hell I don't even remember how many nights I spent passed out in rooms of people I don't know. The worst part of it all was that until you left I never realized how much my life really sucked."

She does her little confused head tilt again. I'm half expecting her to tell me how sorry she is. Not sorry that she left, but that she feels sorry for what I've been through. Because that's what people do. When they hear about how much someone else's life sucks, all they can do is say how sorry they are.

I've never understood that. How can they be sorry for something they never had control over? How can saying sorry make anything any different? It can't. I wish people would get a clue. You can't say sorry if you didn't do anything. You can't be sorry because someone else is having a hard time. You need to just hug them, and let it be.

I don't want apologies; I want people to genuinely care. When you say sorry for things you didn't do, you're just being polite and even though you might think you care, you don't. Want to know why you don't care? It's because you aren't in the other person's position, and you really have no idea what it's like, and all you can do is be happy that it's not you. You just don't want to take the time to get to their level, to actually care, so you tell them that you're sorry, because you want to be polite, you want to pretend you care.

"Ash—"

I cut her off, not wanting to hear an apology.

"It's such a helpless feeling; losing yourself. I don't regret anything that happened though. It's made me, who I am today, and yeah it took me a while to figure out what I needed to do with my life, but I'm working on it you know?"

She nods again.

"I did a few things I'm not proud of but I learned from those mistakes and that's all that matters. But you leaving and all that happening showed me how much I needed to change. It showed me how much you really made an effect on my life. Neither of us saw it then, but while you were there you kept me from breaking, and when you left I broke."

I think at this point I'm out of words to say. This is when I need to take time and think of those words that mold flawlessly, because I'm in need of them, badly.

"You were a mess when we first met. I was surprised you let me in, even if it wasn't a lot. Ash, it wasn't me that held you together. It was you. And I know you want to deny that and say it was me, but it wasn't. Maybe you wanted to be better because you thought I'd like you more that way, but either way you wanted to be better, maybe for me yeah, but for yourself too. If you really wanted to, I know you could have held yourself together after I left. You're the one who let yourself fall apart. You never give yourself enough credit Ash, somehow I wish I could show you just how amazing you are. You changed because you wanted to, not because I made you, and that takes a lot of strength."

She's just looking at me now, and I still have no words.

"You may not regret things, but I do. I regret not pushing you to open up more, I regret not calling you when your Dad died, and I won't ever forgive myself for that. You think that everything was me, that I was the one who held you together but Ash we didn't know each other! We knew that we could talk for hours about nothing yeah, but we didn't know each other's aspirations or dreams. You knew that I liked indie movies, and I knew that you liked your guitar. That's it."

At this moment the director of the movie would have a close up of my face. It's a face that holds all emotions, but is completely blank at the same time. As they close in on my face, the screen cuts black and goes to a new scene. It shows the audience how right she is. How much we didn't know each other, and how much we fit that stereotype of most high school relationships.

But this isn't a freakin' movie. Therefore there is no scene select and I can't just skip this part. But having a scene select on life would be very nifty.

"You're here because you wanted to change; I didn't make you come here Ash."

But she did.

"Why are you here Ashley?"

I hate how the simplest of questions are the heaviest to carry.

"Because I want to start over, I want to be like everyone else. I don't want to be left in the dust watching everyone grow up and have families. I'm tired of watching other people be happy. I deserve to be happy, and the only time I was ever happy was when you were in my life. So you may not think you were the one that changed me, and maybe you're right maybe it was all on me, but I do know that you made me happy and I want that back. I'm here to be happy, to say the things I never got to, to let you get to know me, to get to know myself."

With this I'm crying, because for once I stopped worrying about what to say, I just said it. It was raw, and truthful. I'm finally letting go, I'm finally letting myself be vulnerable, and it's a good feeling.

"Ash, look, everything is going to be okay. I know that you hate when people say that to you, but it's true this time. I know we can't start over because so much has happened, but maybe we can make this the next chapter in your story, in our story. Because if I make you as happy as you've always made me, I think something great could happen."

I laugh, and I don't know why I'm laughing, but I am, and it feels good.

"These days actually my life is a movie, not a book. I don't read too much anymore, but I do enjoy a good Lifetime movie."

And now we laugh together. Something that at one time I thought would never be able to happen again. I know after this we'll fall into easy conversation. Possibly about her job, her life here in Hollywood, but the past will remain in this sleazy, ugly, hotel room, where it should be. Because now we get to progress, the plot gets to thicken, and leaves the audience at the edge of their seats waiting for the next scene.

Although I have no idea what the future holds, I know that for now everything is nice, and I would love it to stay that way, but that would make for a boring movie.

"So Ashley, about that song you promise…"

**Cliffhanger!**

**REVIEW!**


	6. Chapter 5

**Sorry I left you all hanging for a while, life's been crazy. Here's the next chapter, the song isn't mine it's The Spill Canvas', I took out a few lyrics and changed a few things though. The characters sadly aren't mine either.**

**Take Off Your Colours**

"Yeah, I was hoping you'd forget about that…"

Of course though, she wouldn't. It's been so long since I've actually wrote a whole song; I can't imagine what she'll think of it.

It's one of those songs that everyone can fall in love with, because it's different. It holds that emotion of a broken artist, but it also holds a story everyone can tell. Because we all have that person that we feel is a figment of our imagination. That one person that we feel so much for, but can't completely grasp the knowledge that they feel the same way, because they fit the image of your fantasy so well. But you lose them anyway, because you tried too hard, and gave too little.

It's the kind of song that leaves a lot to think about. In a way it has a clear message, but at the same time can be dissected into so many new stories, new meanings. The biggest difference with this song from any other song is the fact that every word, every letter, holds everything I am.

These days it seems every song is the same. None of them mean anything anymore because they're all about making it big, and booking shows. The passion is gone. I don't think people write to affect people anymore, they write to get money, and that's a shame.

"Ha, yeah right. I would never forget, so come on. Grab that guitar and give me a show."

I walk over to the other side of the bed where my guitar is propped up against the wall. I grab it and strum it a few times.

"Okay so if this totally sucks, you have to promise not to laugh. I haven't done this in a while."

She looks at me and giggles. She's so adorable when she giggles.

"Ash, you'll be great, just sing."

I sigh.

"Okay, but I promise it's not going to be all that amazing."

I take a deep breath and begin strumming my guitar. After a few seconds I look up and look out the window before beginning to sing.

_Yeah there's a method to my madness  
If only I could find it I could make you safe  
See there's a therapist trying to tell me that  
you are just a figment of my tainted brain_

I continue to look out the window, not wanting to look Spencer in the eyes. It's easier that way. Hoping she understands where these words come from.

_No, I believe  
that you're not just conjured up  
No, I believe  
'cause I feel it when we touch_

I look down at my hands, and then make the mistake of looking over at Spencer.

_You make it dry when it's raining outside  
You warm my blood when the temperature dies  
You're my crutch when it's all too hard to bare  
See without you here I could not be anywhere_

She looks like she's concentrating so hard, like she's trying to absorb the moment.

_A wide-eyed flutter and the violins, they swell  
I lost everything I own  
I don't need it, can't you tell?  
Oh, all I truly need is you  
This disturbing make-believe's come true _

I look into her eyes and see the world. I feel like I'm just watching this scene unfold, like I'm the one on the couch watching the movie.

_I spent every cent I had  
just to buy the things that you would ultimately never get  
But now I'm starting to believe that I'm really going crazy  
'cause I can't recall when we met_

It's the scene when the guy serenades the girl, looking for that one last bit of hope left in life.

_So I tried to pry you from my head  
Now look at me  
It appears as if I've injured myself severely, yeah  
But like the doctor said you were always dead_

As the words fall effortlessly from his mouth we watch as all this memories are put into a montage on the screen. We see the smiles, the kisses, and the fights.

_Now I'm in stitches  
over you and over you, oh  
now I'm in stitches  
over you and over you, oh_

The scene moves to show the girls reaction of the song, and we see her tears. Tears that for now we don't know if are ones of happiness or ones of grief.

_A wide-eyed flutter and the violins, they swell  
I lost everything I own  
I don't need it, can't you tell?  
Oh, all I truly need is you  
This disturbing make-believe's come true_

As the last few notes are strum, and are left hanging in the air, I leave the couch, and come back to my body.

Spencer is sitting there, crying silently. I'm not sure if this is the moment I'm supposed to get up and comfort her, or if it's the kind of moment I'm supposed to wait for her to make the move.

I set my guitar back on the bed, and sit down next to Spencer.

"So, was it THAT bad, because I didn't mean to bring you to tears I swear?"

I attempt to lighten the mood with a joke, because that's who I am. I'd rather see someone smile, rather than cry. My little joke earns a giggle from her which makes my heart race.

We sit there in silence for a few minutes looking out of the hotel room window, at what, I'm not sure. I look over at the clock to see that it's just past 10:30. Time flies when you have deep conversations and spill your heart out to people.

"Ash, it was amazing."

I smile while I stand up, helping her up as well.

She looks at me, and pulls me into a hug. It's not a normal hug though, this one is different. Most hugs are tight and forced. This one isn't bone crushing, but heart melting. It sends a surge of electricity through my body, and I love it.

"It's getting late, how about you stay here tonight."

She gives me a small nod, and walks over to the other side of the bed crawling under the covers. I stand here debating whether or not it's okay for me to climb in next to her, or if I should choose to make a bed on the floor. Before I make my decision, Spencer turns over to look at me and smiles.

"I showered today, you can come lay down."

I smile as well, and walk over to the bed and climb in next to her leaving a bit of space, but not too much space.

"You know Spence; this is the part of the movie where the guy and girl fall asleep in the same bed, and then wake up in a compromising position tangled together in the morning."

She rolls her eyes, and tilts her head.

"Yeah well, that's my kind of movie. I think it's cute when that happens. You know, we could prevent that."

She has a devilish smile on her face, and I'm confused.

"How so Carlin?"

She smiles at the mention of her last name, something I always used to call her.

"Well see I could just scoot over here a bit…"

She scoots so close to me I can feel her breath on my cheek.

"Roll over like this…"

She rolls over and with her back into my front.

"And grab your arm, and put it here."

She grabs my arm, and drapes it over her stomach.

"This way, when we wake up, this 'compromising position' won't be so compromising. 'Night Ash."

I sigh, wondering if she can feel how fast my heart is beating.

"Goodnight Spencer."

With that the scene fades black, and the audience eagerly awaits the morning.


	7. Chapter 6

**Thanks to everyone who has reviewed, it means a lot to me. Thought I'd give you an update on what's been going on with my Mom and me. She's been trying to set me up with boys from my church, and is refusing to talk about my sexual orientation. I totally feel like Spencer must have when her Mom was setting her up with boys. Anyways, I'm just ignoring it and waiting for her to come around. The review button down there is kind of sad though, so you should go press it and make it happy!**

**Take Off Your Colours**

I wake up, and I know it can't be before five in the morning because it's still dark, and Spencer is still here.

Spencer is still here.

I expected her to run. I expected to come here, and be broken, again. I thought she'd get here, and remember everything that went wrong; I thought she'd remember how much I'm not worth the fight.

But, she's still here. She's lying in my bed, in my arms, fast asleep.

This is a new feeling for me. Usually, when I wake up, I'm alone. My girl of the moment slips away before I wake up, and I like it that way. Anyway, I used to like it that way. I used to love being the rebel, the heartbreaker. But this feeling, just her presence, is new. Because I'm awake, and she's still here, she knows me in and out, and she isn't running.

It's a feeling that even when we were together, I never felt. It's a feeling that must have developed over the time we've been apart. A feeling that can only come from feeling her here now, knowing that I've said to her, everything I've needed to. I think it's a feeling that comes straight from the person's heart, an unspoken bond that radiates this feeling, this love.

"Mm, Ash, you're thinking SO loud, what's the matter?"

I'm thinking so loud? That's a new one.

"Nothing Spence, just go back to sleep."

She turns around to face me, and she looks flawless. Her messed up hair, all over the place, and blue beyond blue eyes, all of it; this whole view of her I have right now is amazing. I'll be honest when I say that most girls do not do mornings very well, but Spencer has it down to a science.

"You're lying. What's up?"

That's one thing about Spencer I've never come to understand. How she can know when I'm lying, how she can know when I'm thinking about something. It's like she knows more about me than I know about myself. It's as if she has some creepy spidey sense on me.

"It's nothing; just usually this is the part where I wake up; alone."

Alone, after having sex with a girl I'd know for an hour. Alone feeling empty and worthless, alone feeling dirty. Alone after not only betraying everything I am, but betraying everything everyone else ever believed in me.

"Yeah well, I'm not one of those girls, I promise. Now go back to sleep, you need the rest for your tour of the city later."

One thing I've noticed about Spencer throughout the years was that she always keeps her promises, no matter what. Even if she said it in a lighthearted tone, I know she meant it. She promised she'd make it big, and she did. She promised she'd always been here for me, and here she is.

"That's good…"

I said while yawning.

She giggled at me, kissed my forehead, and told me to fall back asleep.

[ Later that morning]

"Spencer, if we don't stop to eat soon I promise you that my body is going to eat itself."

She laughs and grabs my wrist and leads me into a small diner, the same diner we met at before.

We've been walking around Hollywood all morning, and much to my dismay, skipped out on breakfast, AND lunch. But I do have to admit, it's been worth it. I've walked the streets my Dad always loved, and I stepped on Miley Cyrus' shoe, all the time being with Spencer. There is no better day than one like this.

We take a seat and Spencer orders for us.

We're in a different diner this time on the side of town that I'm guessing is the opposite from her work. The waiters don't seem to know her here, which probably means she's not here as often as she is at the diner by her office.

We sit in a comfortable silence until the waiter brings us our drinks, and Spencer utters a quiet thank you.

"So, how long are you planning on staying in that oh so wonderful hotel room?"

She laughs at her own sarcasm.

"Hopefully not longer than I have to. I'll get an apartment or a loft as soon as I find one."

She takes a sip of her iced tea before talking.

"There's a really nice loft not too far from my apartment. I wanted to get it, but it's SO out of my price range."

I take a drink of my Coke. I can't help but wonder where this somewhat awkward tone of conversation came from.

"Yeah, I'll check it out. When my Dad died I got a butt load of money, so affording it won't be an issue."

She nods as the waiter comes to bring us both a salad. I wouldn't really expect Spencer to order a salad. I remember her as the girl who could beast on a whole box of pizza, and still have room for ice cream. I guess things change. I suppose this shows how much we've changed, and how little we know about each other, even after yesterday.

"So Spencer, tell me about work. I want to know what happens in the day of the life of Miss Spencer Carlin."

She laughs a bit and rolls her eyes.

"Lately I've been doing a bunch of nothing. Paper work here, signing some document there. Ever since we finished the last documentary, things have been slow."

I nod.

"Don't hate me for not seeing it, but what was the last documentary on?"

Maybe I shouldn't have mentioned that I hadn't see it, because I watch as her facial expression falls sad.

"Well it was on the prom shooting and King High."

Oh right, I remember that night…

_Flashback_

"_So you promise that you don't hate me for making you skip prom?"_

_Spencer and I are walking down the beach, the sun is just about set, and everything is still. It's beautiful, it's perfect. _

"_Ha, Ash, I couldn't hate you if I tried."_

_She laughs, and intertwines our fingers while we slowly inch closer to the edge of the water._

"_Oh I bet you could, if I did something terrible."_

_She just laughs again._

"_Ashley, if you did something terrible, I'd be pissed, maybe for years, but I'll never hate you."_

_I give her hand a little squeeze before I quickly push her into the cold blue ocean and take off running._

"_Do you hate me now?"_

_She stands up, soaking wet, and beings to chase me. I run to where the pier is, and take a moment to rest. But just as I began to start running again, Spencer comes out of nowhere and tackles me to the ground. When I fell she landed on top of me, and is now straddling my waist. _

"_No Davies, I don't hate you now."_

_I laugh as I lean up a bit to close the gap between her lips and mine. It's a soft kiss that doesn't last very long, but with that kiss I know that skipping prom was the best thing we've ever done._

_After watching the sun disappear, we decided to head back to my house. Spencer flops onto my bed as I flip on the television._

_I jump on the bed next to her and she lays her head on my shoulder._

"_Ash, I had a great time tonight."_

_Just as I'm about to say the same back to her, the television goes into a breaking news alert._

"_This just in, a drive by shooting has just occurred at King High School during the school's senior prom. A night of fun and laughter has turned into a night of horror. We aren't sure of injuries or deaths at this time, but ambulances are on the scene. We'll have more information to you as soon as the situation develops."_

_Spencer turns to me with tears filling her eyes._

"_That could have been us."_

_I pull her closer and kiss her forehead._

"_But it wasn't. You know how everyone told us tonight would be the biggest mistake of our lives? That skipping prom made us crazy?"_

_She nods._

"_This was the best mistake of my life, because you're still here."_

_-end flashback-_

"I remember that night…"

Spencer nods, probably thinking that I'm going to mention the death of her brother Clay, but before I can say anything, she speaks.

"Best mistake of our lives."


	8. Chapter 7

Thanks to everyone who has reviewed and story alert(ed?). I love the reviews, so keep them coming. This chapter is pretty much Ashley rambling her thoughts, I seem to be putting a lot of myself in her. I suppose you can decide if that's a good thing or not. :].

Take Off Your Colours

"Best mistake of our lives."

It's crazy how the simplest of sentences can make your heart go wild, and the fewest of words make your mind explode. It's a great feeling though; the exploding feeling. It's a chain reaction that goes from your heart, to your hands causing them to tremble. Then it flows down to your leg, causing it to jump. Next it comes into your brain, causing your thoughts to turn to mush, and when it reaches your mouth, you're speechless.

This should be the moment when I lean into kiss her. This should be when I pour my soul about how much I need her. But there's a difference between what should happen, and what could happen. Because kissing her would mean stepping across that thick line between us that was drawn when she left. Right now it's too soon. Right now I need her in my life more than ever, and kissing her could mean losing what I need the most. I can't risk that. For once in my life, I have to wait for her to kiss me.

The mood changed quickly from the serious tone Spencer has set. She quickly called the waiter over so we could get the check. We argue over who's going to pay, and I win. And as quickly as this dinner started, it ended. It ended with quick goodbyes and confusing glances.

I suppose I shouldn't be too surprised that she left so quickly. Our conversation went from casual to personal in a very hot second.

I leave the little diner and decide to walk around for a little while. I'm not too far from the hotel, so walking around for a while won't hurt anything. I need to clear my head anyway.

I've found that walking makes thinking a lot easier, because you can just take your time, and set your own pace. You have control over walking, and because we all know that we can't control our thoughts, controlling something else makes everything a tad bit simpler.

I love being able to just aimlessly walk, and think. It's these times where I can process everything. I'm alone, and it's just me and the sidewalk, and maybe the other random people walking by, but we can pretend they aren't there. But it seems that when I'm just walking and taking the time to get out, my thoughts flow better.

Everything between Spencer and I seems to be moving quickly. It's like we take one step forward, only to take ten backwards. As soon as things get intense is when they fall apart. The way she just ran out earlier confuses me to no end. It seemed like she was hinting that maybe, there is still something real between us. That maybe me being here isn't a wasted effort. But she just ran out on me, leaving me confused.

I really would like a flower right now. Not only because they smell good, and are pretty, but I really want to tear off the petals in a game of fate. A petal for a petal, does she love me, does she love me not? I really need a rose, maybe a marigold? Do I call her, or do I not?

_She's everything I've hoped for, should I let her know I feel this way?_

Déjà vu…

_[Flashback]_

"_Come on Ash, I know you write like a billion songs. Just play me one, pleeease?"_

_Spencer is on her knees, holding up my guitar, asking me to play her a song. It should be an easy request, but it's really not. I don't sing for people. I sing for myself, I sing to hear the music. People however, just make me nervous._

"_Please? For me?"_

_She looks so damn cute. She's acting like a five year old begging his Mom to buy him a new toy. She's even sporting the puffed out bottom lip for an added bit of cuteness. Who could say no to that?_

_Of course right now we're still just friends, which I'm not exactly loving, but this is my chance, right?_

"_Okay fine, but I promise you that these songs aren't as good as you think they are."_

_She stands up giving my guitar, and claps her hands._

"_And don't think you're off the hook for going under my bed and finding my lyric book."_

_She stops clapping and just rolls her eyes at me._

"_Oh shut up Ash, just play."_

_Here comes the great debate. Do I play her a song I wrote about her, or do I chicken out and play something insignificant just to get her off my back?_

_I strum a few strings._

_Fuck it. It's now or never Davies, you have to do, what you have to do. There's no turning back now._

"_Um okay, so this one is called Petal for Petal. Don't laugh okay?"_

_She just sits down back on the floor and looks me in the eyes and nods. I take a deep breath, cleat my throat and begin to strum the first few chords of the song._

_**It's getting late  
Soon I'll fall asleep and dream of her  
does she do the same?  
This is the perfect ending to the perfect day  
she's everything I hoped for**_

_Spencer has her eyes locked on mine as I continue._

_**Should I let her know I feel this way  
Let the words spill from my lips and hope that its not all their good for  
One thing's for sure I can't let this one get away  
She's everything I hoped for, everything I hoped for and more...**_

_I feel as if I'm singing for the first time, like this is something so new to me. Spencer and I haven't lost eye contact and it's what keeps me going._

_**Petal for petal everybody knows that your best bet  
is a rose to tell you  
Does she love me?  
Does she love me not?**_

_Spencer sits there nodding her head to the sound of my music, and as I sing the chorus I watch a silent tear escape her clear blue eyes._

_**Everybody says that I don't stand a chance  
For her eyes so quickly set a chill through my bones  
The autumn weather wraps me in its arms tonight  
I will sail far past the daffodils and grassy hills of spring  
And wait for you next year when the seasons turn**_

_And just like my lyrics read, the glare from her eyes is causing my bones to chill, and my hand to falter, but only for a second._

_**Petal for petal everybody knows that your best bet  
is a rose to tell you  
Does she love me?  
Does she love me not?**_

_At this point Spencer is holding her knees to her chest, and is now allowing more tears to fall down her rosy cheeks._

_**Everybody says that I don't stand a chance  
It's getting late  
Soon I'll fall asleep and dream of her  
Does she do the same?**_

_I pause a second before singing the final lyrics, hoping not to let myself cry._

_**This is the perfect ending to the perfect day  
She's everything I hoped for and more**_

_I strum the last chord, and just sit there waiting for Spencer to react; waiting for my mind to come back to reality._

_Spencer get's up and hugs me, harder than I've ever been hugged before. I can feel her breath on my ear as she whispers._

"_You should really let her know how you feel, because I don't think you'll be disappointed in the outcome."_

_[End Flashback]_

Yeah, I really need a rose right now…


	9. Chapter 8

I'm so sorry that this update has taken me so long. My life hit rock bottom a few weeks ago when my Mom tried to commit suicide. For a while I thought I was going to give up on writing, even though it's the one thing that's always kept me going. Anyway, enough of my life, here's the next chapter, which is horrible, I apologize.

Take Off Your Colours

_She's everything I've hoped for, should I let her know I feel this way?_

"Uh, hello?"

Yeah, my own song is my ring tone. Don't hate.

"Ash, hey."

It's Spencer. It always seems to be her that breaks me from my thoughts these days.

"Look, about walking out earlier, I'm really sorry."

I just nod my head, not that she can see it. I don't really do phone calls too well, I never have.

"I just, I guess I got caught up in the moment. Kind of a memory I didn't want to face."

Didn't want to face? Does she not what to remember?

"Spencer, don't worry about it. I have to go, we'll talk later."

Before she can even say anything, I just hang up.

I used to be the kind of girl who could think of a clever line in a split second. I was the kind of girl who always knew what to say, and when to say it. I would never have just hung up, I would have fixed everything. I wouldn't be aimlessly walking these streets; I would have followed Spencer out of that diner.

If life's really a movie, then this is my downfall. It's the part of the movie that everyone cries at because they actually feel the emotions.

If this was a movie, I'd be an award winning actress. I'm more real than any other bitch on television, far more convincing then the whores on the big screen. I'm the person you are, the person you aren't, and the person you never want to be, all rolled into one. I'm your best friend, you're worst enemy.

I eventually make my way back to the hotel, and make a mental note to find a place and a job. I walk in only to see Spence sitting on my bed.

"Spencer?"

She just stands up all awkwardly, and plays with her hands a little bit, before sitting back down.

"Uh, yeah. Hi?"

I decide to just stand here and let her be the one to explain. Because all my life all I've done is explain myself, it's everyone else's turn now.

"You just hung up earlier, and that's not you. Look I'm sorry…"

I take a seat in the arm chair across from the bed, and make a mental note to wash these jeans, because this chair is gross. I don't even want to know what's happened right here.

"You hate apologies, I know that. I didn't mean that I don't want to remember everything we've been through. Because a lot of it was really great, and forgetting it all would really suck. I really suck at these speech things don't I? Usually you're the one doing this; it's like some weird role reversal."

I just kind of nod my head. I seem to be doing a lot of that today.

"Ashley, why do you think I left? Honestly, why do you think I left you?"

This is one question I've never been able to answer. One questions I've always wondered about, made theories about, but never really been able to figure out. It's the one thing that drove me to the other girls, the one thing that stopped me from being me. The straw that broke the camel's back so to say.

"I don't know. I just always figured it was a buildup of things I did that just pushed you away. Mostly I figured it was because I never told my Dad about us."

She just sighs.

"We never truly knew each other. We knew a few things, but it was never deep. I was so scared to get deep. I was terrified of letting you get deep into me. We loved each other, but were never in love. I left because after that night, I felt like; I could have fallen in love with you. I mean, you never, ever, let people meet your Dad, but you let me. I felt like that was going to be the first step in falling for you, and I really, was scared. So I had the opportunity to leave, and I took it."

So, it wasn't me? It wasn't my fault?

"You made me so scared. When you told your Dad we were just friends, I kind of figured that was going to be my excuse, my way out. Something I could blame you for."

It's always so much easier to blame the other person, that's the truth.

"Taking you to meet him was a big deal; it was kind of my way of letting you in. I really wanted to tell him we were together, I did. I was just; I thought he would be ashamed you know? Lesbian daughter, I didn't think it was something he would approve of. I didn't want him to like me any less, and I really didn't want him to not like you."

I make my way to the bed and sit next to Spencer.

"I know, I knew that all along. I wasn't actually mad you wouldn't tell him, because I knew you would when you were ready. I was just all around scared that you were going to let me in, and I would let you in. I couldn't let it all happen. I couldn't let someone in just to be hurt you know?"

I nod. I know exactly what she means, because that's how I've been ever since she left. That's why I had all those girls at my finger tips. I can have one for a night, throw her away, and have another tomorrow.

"That's why I left today. I felt everything just completely rush back. Because you're letting me in, you're this new person, with a bit of the old Ashley mixed in. You're no less amazing than you were before; it's just now that I actually know you. We got in that serious conversation, that we never have actually had, and I just felt that 'oh shit' feeling, and had to leave."

She's playing with her fingers. Her knee is jumping a bit. She's nervous, she's sincere.

"But you came back?"

She nods.

"I had to. I've spent three years wondering what could have happened if I stayed. I wondered who we could have been if I would have been there when your Dad died, and I realized that I can't keep wondering. That night we met your Dad, when you went to the bathroom, he asked me who long we've been together, and I laughed and he said it was kind of obvious. I told him we weren't, and he apologized. The he told me that if someone focuses on the what if's in life, and is always wishing for things but never goes after them, that they aren't really living."

I smile; my Dad was always amazing with advice.

"I'm finally ready to live Ash, I'm done wondering."


	10. Chapter 9

Hey guys! Things here seem to just be heating up, as if things couldn't get worse, they always do. I decided I needed to write and send myself out of reality for a little while, hence this new chapter. Your reviews are very much so welcome. If you have any suggestions on where this story should go, feel free to shoot them my way. Oh and to those who private messaged me about my Mom, thank you SO much, all your messages meant a lot to me.

Take Off Your Colours

Do you remember those times when you would have a friend over, and you'd be listening to horribly written music? You know all the words, you even know part of the dance they do in the music video? You and your friend decide that it is your mission to make this song cool. So what do you do? Make your own music video, of course!

Granted the fact that you're 9 and don't actually have a video recorder, but it doesn't matter because you know your Mom will be more than excited to see you put on a show of your newly made music video.

First you and your friend play the song over, and over, and over, until every lyric is pounded into your minds. Because there's no way you're going to be like Ashlee Simpson and get caught lip-synching while in the middle of your performance. That's just plain embarrassing.

Next step is to make up the dance, or most importantly, decide who the star of this video will be. After about an hour of pointless arguing, and a million rock paper scissors games, you decide you can both be the star. You make your dance, which you're both supposed to be completely in synch with, but of course, you aren't. But that's what makes it even the more cute, right?

Finally you're ready to perform. You call your Mom into the living room, you explain how much hard work has gone into this, and you start the music.

I remember those times oh so vividly. Except I wasn't nine, and my Mom never watched.

Spencer and I are in my hotel room, blasting music, and making up dances. We keep messing up at the same part, causing us both to be put into intense fits of uncontrollable giggles.

But we're determined to get this right.

Picture this, two girls in nothing but underwear and shirts that are too big, with long tube socks on, dancing around a sleazy hotel room.

Quite a sight huh?

"Ash, you keep making me laugh. If you'd just spin when I spin, we wouldn't keep falling."

Its funny how in even the most pointless of moments, you can be the most serious.

"My bad… Oh my gosh, I have the best idea ever!"

She gives me a look of death.

"Your last idea ended with me on the floor after making the saddest attempt at a cartwheel, please do excuse me if hearing another one of your ideas is too out of the question."

She really is horrible at cartwheels; I on the other hand am a beast.

"Har har har, this idea is gold."

She rolls her eyes.

"Shoot."

"There's a bunch of kids in the room next to us right? We should totally put on a grand show for them."

Spencer just looks at me as if I have just grown another head…

"You're kidding, right?"

**Two Hours Later:**

"I welcome you all to the music stylings of Dancing Disco Davies and Spicy Spinning Spencer!"

I walk over to the boom box, and start the song. This is going to be epic.

The music starts to play, and Spencer and I take out places.

_Well everyone sees that pretty gurl_

I come from behind Spencer, and she sees me and points.

_When she walks down the streets with those pretty curls_

_I walk and play with my brown curls for a second._

_She feeds off all the attention she gets_

I look over and see Spencer staring, and I give this huge cheesy smile.

_She never gets that much out of it_

_Everyone tells here that she's beautiful_

Spencer mouths the line, and I pretend to blush.

_It's never enough to convince herself_

_I just turn around all shy like.  
She feels like she's not worth much at all  
And never gets why she's broken inside_

I sit down, and pretend to be sad.

_She's that pretty gurl that everyone loves_

Spencer makes a shape of a heart with her hands.

_She never gets why her life is broken_

I just sit continuing to seem sad.

_She's that pretty gurl that everyone loves?  
But there's no one right for her..._

Spencer walks over to sit by me, but that's when I mouth the words 'no one right for her' and Spencer walks away.

I take a look over at the 4 kids sitting on the bed, they all look terrified. It's great.

_She feels... uglier... everyday she goes on_

I make an ugly face, and all the kids start to laugh.  
_  
She needs... someone... to love her now_

I walk over to Spencer and mouth 'needs someone to love her now.'  
As I walk over she's singing the last verse to me, while we stare into each others eyes all cheesy like.

_I can see straight through you like a hole in the wall  
and I'm not gonna sit back and watch you fall  
Take my hand and come with me tonight  
Cuz Ill be the one that treats you right_

And after the last line is over, we go in for a kiss. It's simple, but, electric. I almost forget the kids are there until we hear,

"EW GROSS THEY'RE KISSING, AND THEY'RE GIRLS!"

This day could not be any better.

Days like this, where you can just embrace your inner child, are simply perfect. Days like this make me believe that everything in life can be okay, that life isn't always curveballs, sometimes, you get thrown a strike or two.

Please review! It was pretty cheesy I know, but it was a needed break from all the serious talk. The song is That ''Pretty Gurl'' by The Media Says.


	11. Chapter 10

**Sorry it's been a while. Crazy stuff going on here, but writing takes me away from it for a while. This chapter is in Spencer's point of view; pretty much it's a letter to her Dad, showing her side of things. Hope you like it, please review!**

**Take Off Your Colours**

Hey Dad!

I haven't written, or called, in over a year. I'm sorry about that. You pretty much know nothing about my life anymore. A lot has changed, more than you could imagine. The documentary about the shooting took a lot out of me, and I just haven't had the heart to call you. I thought about flying home a lot, but I couldn't. Everything is there you know? All the memories I ran away from would come rushing back, and I didn't want that.

You'll probably be happy to hear that all those memories were brought back to me anyway. Ashley showed up a few weeks ago, and it's been crazy. Up until now I was convinced that I was going to be able to get over her.

Three years. I've had three years to get over Ashley Davies. It should have been easy; it shouldn't have taken so much work. But she's the kind of person you don't forget, the kind of person that doesn't let you move on.

Somehow she has engraved herself into my mind. The thought of knowing that if I could have stayed we could have had that intense relationship that most people can never find, kills me.

I didn't really feel it though until I heard about Ashley's Dad dying. That was one of those moments that I knew I should have been there for. Not because I should have stayed to fall in love with her, but to make sure she didn't breakdown. Because she had lost everything, and I knew that.

You know how when something happens people always tell you not to blame yourself, because there's no way you could have stopped it? Those people are idiots. They're just trying to make you feel better, when in reality it probably was your fault. You probably did make an impact on the consequence. They just don't want you to end up the same way, so they feed you lies, they make you convince yourself that everything that happened in that persons fault, not yours.

Ashley broke down and completely lost herself. Yeah she could have made different choices, but where was I to help her? If anything I just added to the distress of all the drama in her life. I left her to fend for herself. So anyone that tells me that her breakdown wasn't my fault is a liar. Because in the big picture it's all the little things that lead to the product of it all.

You're a social worker so it's your job to make people convinced that everything in their life isn't there fault, so I'm not saying it's a bad thing. It probably works for some people, hell; I hope it works for them. Hopefully they don't have my overactive mind and can just deal with everything.

A few months ago I had this dream, and it was crazy. You know those movies where someone wishes that they were never alive, because everyone else would be better off? Then they wake up, and they get to see what things would REALLY be like if they were never born. My dream was kind of like that, but different.

Before I had the dream I had been contemplating just dropping off the face of the earth. Leaving all this behind to go somewhere new, you know? But I had this dream. I got to see what would have happened if I stayed. I saw me and Ashley meeting again, I got to see you and mom somehow rekindle your broken relationship.

It was crazy how detailed everything was. I watched as Ashley and I got married, you even walked her down the aisle. I watched Mom cry when we said our I do's. I saw your hair starting to get gray, but don't worry, you still looked amazing. I watched Ashley become an AMAZING mom. I saw it all, I didn't miss one step.

So when Ash came back, just like in my dream, I was astonished. I just knew that I couldn't let that slip away. I couldn't miss all of that. I tried really hard to push her away at first. All those old feelings coming rushing back scared me stiff. I mean, the whole reason I left was so that I wouldn't fall in love with her, and that's exactly what was happening.

But you know Ash; she has to put her charm on. Yesterday we made our own music video to some song, and preformed it for all these little kids. It was the most childish, amazingly stupid moment of my life. But I loved every moment of it.

I'm not sure where anything is going yet, I'm still scared. But I figure that so is she, I mean, the girl followed me to Hollywood; she's got to be scared of what is going to happen.

We never were that close when we were in high school. I mean, we were, but everything was based on lust. We knew nothing deep about each other. But now, we know almost everything about each other. Though I haven't told her about the dream, I'm not sure I'm going to. I think its one thing that I can keep to myself.

This is going to take you forever to read, sorry about that. I would have called you but lately it seems I've lost all touch with speaking vocally. I can't really seem to get all my thoughts into words, it just turns to mush. Writing this letter seemed like a good alternative.

I'm not sure if I'm going to write to Mom just yet though. I'm still not sure she's completely okay with the Spencer liking girls thing. All our conversations are awkward. Plus, we both know that she's not a big Ashley Davies fan.

You should come visit soon; I think that'd make Ashley really happy, you've always been her biggest fan.

Love you Dad,

Spencer.


	12. Chapter 11

**Hello friends! Here's a new chapter for you. I have to admit that I have no idea where I'm going with this story, so we're all in for a ride. Reviews and feedback make me smile; criticism even makes my life happier. **

**Take Off Your Colours**

SO, I finally have a loft, type thing. It's huge; I'm not going to lie. I think this transition to Hollywood is going to work out just fine for me. I think I fit in just fine. I've had a few guys come up to give me their cards because they want me to model.

It's flattering, really, I know I'm hot, but a model, I am not. I like to flaunt it yes, but I don't do pictures. Somehow I always manage to look completely and utterly ridiculous in them. But, people noticing my hotness is very nice, I'm not complaining.

I found my Dads star yesterday, I almost cried, but I kind of thought that would be a little weird. The people walking by probably would call the cops if they saw a grown women standing by Raife Davies star. It was cool though, except someone told me Miley Cyrus is supposed to be getting on next to his. Now I have to admit, Miley is my guilty pleasure (A/N: Yes Ashley, she's mine too), but if you're going to give her a star, can't you scoot it down a little bit?

I don't want to have to answer the question, 'Hey Ash, where's your Dads star?', with, 'Oh you know… right next to all those little girls crowded around Miley's star…'

Talk about embarrassing. The good thing about guilty pleasures is the fact that for the most part they stay private. Not many people know about them, which is probably good considering my little Miley obsession might be a little weird. Like that time I stepped on her shoe with Spencer, it took all I had not to just stuff the poor teen into my pocket and keep walking. Yeah, I take obsession to a new level.

All this fun stuff happens when Spencer is working, and I'm left alone.

I love being alone, don't get me wrong, but when you're alone all day, every day, even Hollywood runs out of fun things to do.

I've actually been writing a bit too. I've been hiding my lyric book, because I'm not sure my body can handle serenading Spencer again. At least not any time soon.

I do know one thing though, she helped me remember why I write and play music. I do it all for me. I'm thinking about signing up for this open mic thing at this bar Spencer used to go to (which is another story), but I kind of don't want Spencer to find out.

That probably sounds bad, but I kind of want this to be my own personal thing. For once I want to walk into a place where no one knows me, and just sing. They can't judge me for who my father is, I don't have any pressure from the audience because I don't know anyone. It'll just be me, the music, and the people.

Anyway, this bar, gosh. Apparently all the bartenders know Spencer by name. Which says that Spencer probably spends a lot of her alone time there, or anyway, she used to spend a lot of time there.

"Assssshley."

Spencer's here, thank goodness I look cute today.

I gave her a key, though I'm not sure if that's a good idea. She seriously uses it to her advantage. Yesterday she came strolling in at 3 in the morning. I'll warn you now, when Ashley is sleeping, just don't wake her up. Just, do not do it.

Needless to say, I had a fit and it didn't go over too well. We haven't talked about it, but I know she's not going to do that again.

"How was your day?"

She just sighs while taking a seat on the couch across from me, it's pretty adorable. She has her whole little face all scrunched up in frustration. I love it.

"Well, it pretty much blew. We ran the same scene the whole day."

Wait…

"Aren't documentaries supposed to be like all, REAL, LIFE, NOW, kind of things? Isn't it supposed to be candid?"

With this she stands up, and is waving her hands all over the place. I make sure to move back a little, in case she decides to put emphasis on my face, not her words.

"You know, that's exactly what I thought. But, nooooooo. We you're shooting a bunch of shopaholic prissy girls, they want scripts. Yes, even when they're getting therapy, they'd like a script. So I tell them they don't get scripts. So what do they do? They write their own. SO we're in shooting while one of the girls who blew her whole college savings on a pair of shoes is writing her script for her therapist. I have about 10 hours of tape of this girl, writing."

She throws her hands up and retakes her seat, but this time next to me.

Note to self; don't film girls who are being treated for shopaholic syndrome.

"You know, I always thought it was ironic that when a girl gets raped they get sent to a therapist. But when you think about it, therapist sounds, and looks like, the rapist. Honestly, if I was raped I wouldn't trust anyone especially some guy who calls himself the rapist."

Spencer looks at me for a second, kisses my cheek and says,

"Honey, if that's how you look at things, you need more than just a therapist."

And this is how I like it. Just Spencer and me, being able to make all the 'hard' times humorous.

Of course in any movie the good times never seem to last long enough and everyone in the audience can sense a twist in the plot. If only they knew what was coming…

**Okay, so yes the secret is revealed, Miley and I one day will be best friends. Even if I have to wait until she can't find any like Paris Hilton, and has to pay people to be friends with her. Ha, anyway, I wish I knew where this plot was twisting, because I'm just going with the flow. I have no plans whatsoever with this story, it's just kind of, being written. This chapter was just a filler because I still need to decide where this is going. I need to stop babbling before you all hate me, so let's just press that review button shall we?**


	13. Chapter 12

**Take Off Your Colours**

You'd think moving to Hollywood to find your long lost high school love would be an amazing thing, right? Well, don't get me wrong, it is, but it comes with a lot of hardships too. Because as much as you try and run away from the past, from your problems, you can never truly out run them. You can run forever, but they will never go away. Because face it, your past is what paves your way for the future, and if you think out running the past is going to help you in the long run, you're very wrong. Someone very smart once said that if you don't learn from the past it's doomed to repeat itself, and they are probably completely accurate with that saying. If you think about it, history really has been repeating itself for hundreds of years, so the same concepts that repeat in politics and the economy, can relate to our past mistakes.

Once upon a time I was told that every story has a happy ending, so that gives us all hope, right?

There's always a light at the end of a dark tunnel, so that means that we'll always come out okay, right?

Do we ever have a good excuse to pack up our lives, and metaphorically leave everything we've ever known behind? Because as much as I love being here, I can't help but remember the things I did, the relationships I've ruined. I can sit here and think of twenty people who are probably better off now that I'm gone. But at the same time I can sit and remember one person, who probably needs me the most. One person that I've never taken the time to get to know, one person who should be everything to me, but like with everyone else in my life I've completely pushed away.

Once upon a time I had a half-sister named Kyla. She was a great girl, with everything going for her. She had the looks, the confidence, and the personality. She was smart, and popular, and it seemed like the world was at her fingertips. She was completely head over heels in love, and to an outsider she had everything. But unknown to those watchers she was broken. She lost her mother and was forced to uproot her life to the California in the middle of freshman year. She inherited the life of a neglected rock star royalty child. And even though the outside always looked perfect, it never was. She had a sister, kind of. Except this sister never made the time to get to know her, because frankly the sister was too caught up in her own mistakes to deal with her. Her sister was too caught up into her own life, that she never could see this perfect girl crumble.

Once upon a time there was a shooting at King High School's prom. It started out amazing for Kyla and her date, Clay Carlin. She finally felt like her life was going to take a turn for the best. She was going to graduate high school, and move away with Clay. They were going to be happy, and he was going to save her from herself. But the night took a tragic turn, shots were fired and people went down. In the mist of the madness those random bullets decided to destroy everything for Kyla, and took the life of her hero.

You would have thought that at that moment that I would have swept in and made sure Kyla didn't completely lose herself. Trust me, I wanted to, but I was just as lost. Spencer left not even a few days after the shooting, and as Kyla was breaking, I was already broken. I'm not going to compare sucky lives with Kyla because that wouldn't be fair. Because even if one thing seems trivial to one person, it could completely devastating to another.

I look back at all the mistakes I've made, and I can say that I have learned from them all, except this one. Letting Kyla break has been the one thing that to this day I can't believe that I let happen. Yeah, I didn't know her, but that was my fault. I knew what was going on in her life and I couldn't get over the fact that my Dad was stashing away children to help her. I was completely selfish and instead of getting over something my Dad did, I sat back and watched this girl completely lose herself.

After prom all I wanted to do was cling to her, but I didn't. Because really, how can you help other people when you can't even help yourself?

So I lost myself, and then found myself, and then here I am, running away from it all.

I thought leaving it all behind would mean that I could start new, but I'm wrong. Because no matter how fast and hard you run, the past always catches up.

I came here to fix things that happened in the past with Spencer didn't I? I came here to make myself into a better person, so why worry about some girl I never really knew?

I'll tell you why, because it is my fault.

Don't give me that bullshit that everything happens for a reason, and I couldn't have prevented it. Because I know that I could have helped her. All the girl needed was a shoulder to cry on, and all I did was give her the cold shoulder. So, no I may not have been the hand dealing her all the blows, but I was the one letting it continue to happen.

I came here to become a better person, and now that it's happening, all I can do is think of the people I left behind.

So if I came here to do all that, I can go back to finish the job right? Who said that leaving was the only way to make things better? No one did.

For Kyla, she's been living a horror story, when she really deserves to be in a fairy tale. Life always seems to get the good people these days, and all the bad people are getting all the breaks in life.

I've got to change that, somehow.

"Ash, I swear you're the loudest thinker I have ever met, what's wrong?"

I'm laying here with Spencer, so things should be perfect.

"I have to go back."

She sits up, and looks scared.

"What, why would you go back?"

She looks almost frantic.

"I left Kyla."

And with this I break into tears. Not just any kind of tears, because I'm not crying for myself, but for her, for Kyla.

Spencer just looks at me for a second before everything connects in her sleepy mind, and she just holds me. As we lay there holding onto each other, as we lay there as I cry, I can't help but think that all my life I've been lied to, because not everyone gets that happily ever after.

Once upon a time I was told that every story has a happy ending…

Once upon a time, I found out that it was a lie.


	14. Chapter 13

**Hello all! I think I've finally figured out where this story is going, but it would be lovely to know where you guys want to see it go, so if you have any ideas feel free to share them with me. You'll of course get credit if anything you suggest it used. Someone mentioned the fact that I keep making it seem like LA and Hollywood are SUPER far apart, which they aren't. It's all in Ashley's mindset of everything. Because I really think that leaving a place where you made a name for yourself, good or bad, is going to be hard to leave and come back. So the distance seems so much greater than it truly is. The song in this chapter is +44's Baby Come On, and I left out a few lyrics. Enjoy!**

**Take Off Your Colours**

You know, it takes a lot of courage to leave everything you know to chase a girl, the girl. But it takes even more courage to return to the place you left behind. Because you know there are going to be many inevitable rumors about where you went, and why. You completely disappeared without any notice; you already know that coming back just means more rumors, and many upon many stares. You come back knowing that some people that you just left without any warning are going to hate you. But really, the worst part is, that you come back a completely new person that all these people who think they have you figured out, have never met. All these people have so many preconceived notions on who you were and what you're about, and you know all of those things are going to blind them from seeing who you are now. Actually, they don't care who you are now because people never really change, right?

As soon as Spencer and I woke up this morning, she said that we were going back, together. Spencer has been gone for a lot longer than I have, so I know that returning isn't easy for her either. But misery loves company, and I don't really think going alone would guarantee me coming back.

We decided not to make any rush into leaving, because we both knew that Kyla would be passed out far past noon. And waking her was always such a hard task. We ended up leaving around 11 at night, knowing that she'd now be awake.

After a few minutes of driving far too fast, Spencer managed to get us to my old house in one piece. We're just sitting in the driveway, neither of us ready to take a step into the past we both left behind.

"Ash, do you have any idea what you're going to say to her?"

Honestly, I'm not sure anything I say is going to matter. Hell if I was Kyla I would throw my ass out of the house so fast.

"No… what do you say to someone after you just completely abandon them anyway?"

She looks at me, and grabs my hand.

"We're doing this together okay? Whatever happens, we're in this whole thing together."

I see a tear drop down her cheek, and all I want to do is wipe it away, but I'm too slow. I sit there for a second and just stare into the eyes that I so desperately wish I could get lost in forever.

"Promise?"

She looks up at me, and puts her hands on my face.

"I promise."

I lean in for the simplest of kisses. It's the kind of kiss that is completely perfect. The kind of kiss where every emotion we're feeling is put completely into the energy of the kiss. Where our lips feel the emotions, and our minds get lost in bliss.

"Let's do this Davies."

I nod, as we make our way into the house.

_She's a pretty girl  
she's always falling down._

As I take my first step into Kyla's room, I see that she's not here. She's probably out at some party getting drunk.

_But she won't ever remember, remember._

She'll get so wasted that whatever happened that night, she'll never, ever remember. But that's the way she likes it, I guess after a while remembering hurts too much.

We drive a few blocks down the road to where I know Kyla spends most of her nights.

Kevin's house is nothing short of amazing. A trust fund baby, always getting everything he needs and more. I wonder if his parents know that every cent he has goes into his addictions, I guess Mommy and Daddy weren't very good parents, figures though, this is LA. Cocaine, sex and alcohol, that's all he cares about, it's probably why Kyla spends so much time with him. They can support each other's addiction of forgetting the past.

_And I can always find her,  
at the bottom of a plastic cup._

Almost as clockwork as soon as we walk into the blaring party we see Kyla by a keg. She's sporting really bad bed head, dark circles under her eyes, and a red plastic cup. I guess she's wearing the same clothes from the night before seeing as they're wrinkled.

_Drowning in drunk sincerity,  
A sad and lonely girl._

"Fuck you Kevin, it's not like you know my life."

Somehow she's not slurring her words; she always could hold her alcohol very well. She's yelling at Kevin, probably for no reason. It's just random drunk bickering, that means nothing, and no one will remember anyway.

After screaming a few profanities at Kevin, she storms out of the house walking right past us, as if we weren't there. Spencer grabs my hand and leads me to wherever it is Kyla is going.

We end up back at my house, where Kyla probably came to pass out for the night seeing at it was just reaching midnight.

Spencer tells me to go up and talk to Kyla, though I know it's a lost cause seeing as she's so drunk.

_Quit crying your eyes out baby,  
quit crying your eyes out baby come on._

I walk up the stairs and see Kyla crying. I've never been good at quietly entering a room, and as soon as I open the door all the way, Kyla's head shoots up.

"Aw, is running away not working for you sis'?"

Her words are laced with venom, which I completely expected.

_Isn't there something familiar about me?  
The past is only the future with the lights on._

"God Kyla what happened to you?"

She just looks at me and rolls her eyes, as if I'm a complete idiot for asking such a simple question.

"What happened to me? I've become you, can't you see it. I learned for the best, right? You know, your past has become my future."

This isn't the Kyla everyone used to love. The Kyla who faked her way through life was better than this. At least I knew she still had some emotions, now she's just a shell of a girl.

She wipes away a few tears before sitting up, waiting for me to shoot back with some heartless comeback.

"Fuck, I'm such a bad sister right? You don't want my past; make your own goddamn future Kyla. Is this what you want? Please tell me that this is exactly what you want, and I'll leave again and never come back."

She just looks at me.

"It's just another one of your wonderful hand-me-downs Ash. You runaway to do whatever the hell it was you were doing, and you leave me to pick up where you left off. But since you're back I'm guessing things with Spencer were a complete bust. Not that it's surprising, people had bets on how long it would take you to come back."

_And she said, I think we're running alcohol,  
Tonight I hate this fucking town._

I see her reach under her bed, probably for another bottle of vodka or something, only to find empty glasses.

"I think we're out of booze Ash, you should get on that. God do I hate this place, must have been nice to get away for a while."

I sit down in what used to be my Dad's favorite chair. It's now being used to house dirty clothes.

"Spencer is here actually. I uh, I came back to see you actually. I guess once you get away from this life, you really see how much you fucked up other people's lives."

She laughs this emotionless laugh.

_And all my best friends will be the death of me,  
But they won't ever remember, remember._

"So what, you decided to come finish off everyone starting with me? Aw and how cute, dear Spencer came to help. Bestest girlfriends for life, how adorable. Too bad you both were too blinded to remember that you had a sister."

I almost wish she would just go back to faking everything. Because then this wouldn't hurt me so much. At least then she'd appear to be fine, and I wouldn't have to worry, even though in the back of my mind, I know she isn't fine.

Now she's just a snake, looking for someone to bite, looking to sink her teeth into great revenge. And I know all of this, because this is who I used to be. I know all the tricks of this trade, and I also know that she can be saved, if she wants to be.

All I have to do is crack her… but how?

"Yeah Kyla, I was a complete ass to you. I ignored everything you were, everything you faked, I always knew you weren't okay, but I ignored it. If you think that every day I wake up that I don't regret that, you're wrong. If you really think that I had planned to let you break, you're wrong. Because every morning I wake up and think of you, and what I let you become."

She just stares at me, this glazed over expression on her face, which reads the years of abuse.

_So please take me far away,  
Before I melt into this ground,  
And all my words get used against me._

She sits up, and starts to cry again. I have to debate whether or not I want to go over and comfort her, but I know if I want her to come to me, I can't do that.

My cell phone vibrates, and I check to see that I have a text from Spencer.

**I'm going to go drive for a bit, if you need me, just say so. I think you too need space. It'll be fine don't worry.  
**

I smile to myself before regaining my attention back to the broken girl across from me.

"I don't want to be this girl Ashley, I never did."

She's sitting up now, to be able to look at me while she speaks.

"I know you don't, no one ever does."

She nods.

"I could only hide it for so long. I only hid it because I wanted everyone to like me; I wanted to be accepted by people who had no idea of what I've gone through in life for once. I just, I was tired of having pity friends."

She's now just letting the tears roll down her cheeks without even giving them a second thought.

"Gosh, I knew it all along, and I just let you keep hiding it all. I just, couldn't let myself do anything. You started to break, and Spencer left, and I just couldn't handle anything. Which, isn't an excuse, but it's the best I have. I couldn't help you, if I couldn't help myself. And as much as you might want to think that while Spencer was here I wasn't breaking, I was. I might have seemed happy, but just like you; I was pushing it all away."

She lies back down, and looks up at the ceiling.

"I just don't want to be here anymore. Eventually I'm going to completely lose myself, and everything I am is just going to disappear in the wind. Everything I am is just a mess."

_You sad and lonely girl_

I decide that this is the time when I can walk over, and sit by her.

"I have a loft in Hollywood; it's pretty big, too big for just me."

She just watches me, waiting for me to continue.

"I want to be the sister I never was, and I'm not sure if it's too late, but I want to try."

She sits up next to me, with tears filling her eyes.

"I'd really like that Ashley."

I smile.

"Well, that's good since you have no other options if you want to get better."

And for the first time in my life, my sister Kyla hugs me. We're sitting there, just holding onto each other. We sit here, and let everything from the past, just flow out of our eyes in the form of tears.

Neither of us notices that Spencer has walked in. Neither of us even care, we're just here, hugging and crying. And I think for the first time, it's happy tears for Kyla, because she knows that everything after this moment is going to be different.

But until then, we're going to sit here, and cry for each other, for ourselves, and for the future we're about to embark on.

_Quit crying your eyes out baby,  
quit crying your eyes out baby come on.  
The past is only the future with the lights on…_


	15. Chapter 14

**Thanks for all the reviews, they all made me smile big, all the story alerts, also make me happy. And again if you have any ideas on what you'd like to see happen in the story feel free to private message me them. This chapter is a little more insight into Spencer's life after leaving Ashley in high school.**

**Take Off Your Colours**

Dear Spencer,

Hearing from you is a great surprise. A year of not hearing from your daughter is pretty nerve wrecking. As much as I know has changed in your life, a lot has changed here too. I almost think it's a good thing you haven't flown home; Ohio is just as boring as it's ever been.

I'm guessing you're still in Hollywood, with the whole documentary business and such. It must be pretty hard to have moved so close to what you left. I always knew you'd have the strength to go back though. I know how hard it was for you to make the choice to move back to Ohio during high school, but the fact that you're back there makes me very proud Spence. You have to go there, to come back. You were lost when we moved back here, so I really believe that going back will completely bring you back.

I'm more than happy to hear that Ashley has finally come to her senses and found you again. I always saw that way she looked at you, and I knew it had to be more than whatever it was you two tried so hard to play it off as. It was always so evident that you two were meant to be, I think that's why your Mom wasn't a big Davies fan. She knew completely that you were happy with someone she didn't want you to be happy with.

I really think you moving back to Ohio helped Ashley, as much as you think it hurt her. She needed the time away from you to realize everything, just as much, if not more, than you needed it. You needed the space to realize everything that you were supposed to have together. And yeah it took a while for one of you to make the choice to track down the other, but it happened and now all that's left to do is go with the flow. I bet both of you are just as scared as you were a few years ago, it's not just you. You and Ash are in it together, remember that.

And you're right, I'm going to channel my inner social worker, but honestly Spence, not being there and letting her break has nothing to do with you. It would have happened regardless of you being there for her or not. I think we both know that Ashley is the kind of girl who doesn't do grief very well, and you being there for her, probably would have just meant her pushing you away. Trust me; I've dealt with girls like Miss Davies for years. You can't blame yourself for things you had no control over, and you can't be stuck on the what if's of life. If you keep wondering what if, you aren't going to be able to see what is.

That dream you had is a wild one Spence. I can't say I've ever had one like that, and I can't say I would want to. But I can understand how it helped you so much, being able to see what could be made you realize how important staying was. The whole gray hair this was a little much, I could have done without, thanks. As for you seeing your Mother and I happy together, I wouldn't think much into that one Spencer.

You and Ashley will be fine; I wouldn't over think this one, since that's what went wrong the first time. Just go with it all, be spontaneous.

I remember when you and Clay were little and you'd always dance around to loud music and put on shows. You never could remember the whole thing and you'd both end up just jumping around, but it was adorable nonetheless. I bet you and Ash had a great time channeling that inner child. The most childish moments always seem to get more fun the older you get.

Your mother is back in California with Ben, I thought I'd let you know. She seems to be happy, which is all I could ask out of this whole ordeal. They adopted a little boy last year; I'm surprised she hadn't gotten in contact with you to see him. I guess it shouldn't surprise me that since you left to Hollywood she hasn't tried talking to you now that I think about it. She cried for about a week after you left, I almost wish you would have been here to see it; see how much she really does love you Spence. I guess Heather reminded her a lot of Ashley, and it just set her off. But we both know she never meant anything she said that night. You were both yelling, it just got her going and she couldn't stop. I'm still surprised that you let her get to you so much, I always thought you were bigger than running away. Though leaving Ohio seems to have done you a lot of good.

We both know Heather was just something there to distract you too, so I'm not really sure why you let her take over your life so much. She's come around a few times, and I've just sent her away. It must be nice to be able to dress how you want without the dragon breathing fire down your neck.

I still don't completely understand how you and Heather worked, all she did was bark orders, and you followed them. But I suppose that's not really a subject you want your father to get into. I probably wouldn't say anything that you haven't already thought about anyway.

Things here have been amazingly quiet since you and your mother left. I still haven't really decided if it's a silence that I love or hate. It's pretty lonely, I do have to admit. I've been thinking about moving back to LA, just because you're still there. But at the same time so is Paula so, I'm not exactly sure what I'm going to do yet. I do know for sure that I miss you, and I promise that as soon as I can get away from work, I'll be on the first flight to Hollywood.

I think as soon as you feel comfortable you should call you mom, or drop in and surprise visit her. It would really mean the world to her Spence. Because I know that she's never going to forgive herself for letting you get away from her. Seeing you would do her a lot of good. If anything Spence, go see her for me if you can't for yourself. I know this is a cliché little thing to say but, she won't be around forever, and neither of you can replace all the lost time. If you're waiting for her to come to you, this time, it won't happen. Before she left with Ben she told me that she was going to just let you go if that's what you wanted. Because you told her that's what you wanted, actually you screamed at her that it was what you needed. She told me the only thing she wants is for you to be happy, and if that meant not being in your life, that she would stay away.

I know you'll figure out what you need to do, and I'm sure Ashley will help you through it as much as she can.

I'm really happy that your life is turning around, and that slowly everything is beginning to look exactly how you've always dreamed it to be.

I love you,  
Dad.


	16. Chapter 15

**Take Off Your Colours**

Do you ever think back to when you were younger, and try to remember where you wanted to be? Like, when people would have asked you where you want to be in ten years, do you ever try and remember where you wanted to be? I have been lately. Ten years ago I was thirteen, and everything I wanted then, can't be what I have now. I figure that we never envision ourselves getting places that we actually end up. Because I promise you that ten years ago if you would have asked me where I saw myself in ten years, my answer wouldn't have been Hollywood with my crazy half sister and first love. I probably would have told you that I would be touring the world by now, playing my music, and changing lives.

People rarely predict their lives correctly. I bet ten years ago if you would have asked Spencer where she'd be she would have told you that she'd be a successful movie director with a husband two point five kids, and a white picket fence. She had no idea that she'd actually be lying in the arms of a girl, in a loft in Hollywood as a documentary writer.

And what about Kyla? If you would have asked her where she wanted to be, she would have told you with the uttermost confidence that she would be landing every star role in every summer blockbuster film. She'd tell you that in ten years, she'd pretty much rule this planet. But instead she's sleeping on her half sisters couch after being dragged away from a life of drugs and blackout binge drinking.

The reality of life is that wherever we see ourselves going in life, we never really get there. Maybe partially, but it's never exactly how we imagined it.

They say that if you try, and try for something that in the end you'll be rewarded. But can't you try your whole life for something, and never receive it? Some things, you will be handed along the way, but it's never everything. If you want something, and try your hardest to get it, you don't always get it. Most of the time you get a slap on the wrist, not a prize. I can try and try and try to make an ice-cream truck fly out of the sky and crush my worst enemy, but the reality is that I won't ever get that.

The way I see it is, if you try for something for so long and don't get it, you need to rework your priorities. Because it's obvious that you're just wasting your life away wishing and wanting something you just aren't going to be able to have. You know, we live our entire lives for one moment. Some of us just live our whole life for a heart attack, so why waste all that time in-between trying and trying for something you won't get?

One day someone is going to figure out who 'they' are, and it's not going to end pretty. 'They' say a lot of things, and everything 'they' say sounds good, amazing even, but none of it is reality.

Reality is waking up holding the love of your life, knowing that your sister needs to be saved, and still holding it all together. 'They' don't know any of that, 'they' have no idea what real life means.

"Mmm Ash what time is it?"

Spencer mumbles all of this into my chest, trying to shield her eyes from the inevitable sunrise.

"It's almost noon."

She inwardly groans and just digs her head impossibly further into me.

It was almost 4 in the morning by the time we got back to my loft last night. We decided that if Kyla was serious about coming with us, that she'd have to pack up everything she needed now, because there was no coming back. Going back into that house, would be entering back into hold habits, and those were the exact things we were trying to get Kyla to break away from.

But Kyla packed without any complaining, and we made our way back here, and all of us fell asleep as soon as we hit the sheets.

"I was supposed to be at work 2 hours ago."

I just laugh. Not because it's funny, but because this seems to happen to us a lot…

_[Flashback]_

"_Okay Ash, even you have to admit that Madison can throw a damn good party. I can't believe we stayed for so long, my parents are going to kill me for not coming home."_

_It's three in the morning, and Spencer and I are walking, staggering, back to my house after a classic Madison party. Though, she really does have nothing on a Davies bash, I have to give her props._

_Spencer, however, took party to a new level and quite possibly drank all the liquor Madison had to offer, she seems to think everything in the history of forever is funny right now._

"_That… tree… is… SOOO…green"_

_Spencer keeps saying the weirdest things between giggles. For the moment I find all of this completely hilarious, but tomorrow when we're in first period and she's trying to hold back the puke, and trying to concentrate through the pounding headache, I'm sure neither of us will find anything funny._

"_OH MY GOSH, ASH YOUR HOUSE IS SO BIG"_

_Is the last sentence Spencer manages to say before passing out on my front porch?_

_I carry her to my room and tuck her into my bed. Spencer Carlin, my best friend, looks absolutely adorable while asleep, well… passed out. And may my words be marked that I Ashley Davies, never, ever, have used the word adorable until this moment._

_I decided to take the safe road, and sleep on my couch._

_[Hours later]_

"_Mmm, Ash?"_

_Ugh, sunlight._

"_Yeah Spence?"_

_She rolls over to face me, and just smiles. I'm not sure what she's smiling at, but it's contagious and I just smile along with her._

"_Since you hate alarm clocks so much, can you tell me what time it is?"_

_Who would want some annoying noise waking you up every morning? Not me._

"_It's almost noon why?"_

_Spencer just laughs and rolls over to burry herself in my pillows._

"_Because silly, we were supposed to be at school like five hours ago…"_

_Right…_

For now, everything is simple. I'm not sure how long it will last.

"Hey Ash, can I ask you something?"

Spencer reluctantly pulls herself out of the depths of my chest to face me while she talks.

I just nod and let her continue.

"Where do you think all of this is going? You and me, us… Kyla? Like, in ten years, where the hell are we all supposed to be?"

I just lay here and try to process the question.

"I guess the better question is where do you want us to be?"

Neither of us talk after that, we're both deep in thought trying to envision where we will be in ten years.

If you were to ask me now where I wanted to be in ten years, I would look at you and smile. I'd tell you that in ten years I will be married, and hopefully I'll have a kid. That in ten years, I would be finally happy changing the world with my words. Spencer would be happy living out all her dreams, writing movies, and directing bestsellers. I'd tell you that in ten years my sister Kyla and I would be the best of friends, and she'd be staring in all of Spencer's movies.

And then, I would look at you and laugh, not at you, at all I've just told you. Because I know that all of that probably won't happen, some if it might, but everything I vision it to be, won't be the same. Because along the way reality is going to smack me in the face and take me off course.

Right now all I can do is try to prove to Spencer that we're meant to be. All I can do is try and mend Kyla and I's broken relationship. And if 'they' are right, then my trying will make changes, and I'll receive. Only time can tell though, and right now, I have all the time in the world.


	17. Chapter 16

**Hey guys, it's been a while, I apologize. It's been really bad here at home, so I've had no motivation to write.**

**Take Off Your Colours**

Life is so crazy isn't it? I mean, one day you can be completely happy, but the next you can be broken. I'm not sure how it all works, I'm not even sure if I ever want to find out how it works. I just know that it happens, and it happens a lot. Just yesterday Kyla was living her everyday normal life, until we ripped her away from it. And though yeah, she wasn't exactly happy last night, she's so much worse today. I thought maybe it could have just been the hangover, but that's just wishful thinking.

Spencer left for work about an hour ago, and left me here to talk with Kyla. Yeah, we talked last night, but she was very wasted, and I'm not sure how much of that conversation she will actually remember. For all I know, she's going to wake up, wondering where the hell she is. For now I'm sitting here on the love seat across from the couch that Kyla is fast asleep on, and I'm just thinking.

What do I say to her when she wakes up? Obviously I can't just be like 'Hey yo sis, what's crackin'?' Because, how weird would that be? I'm amazing with words, when I can write them down, but when it comes to a conversation, I'm hopeless. When I write, I can choose the order and length of the words perfectly. I can take my time, because I'm in no rush. But when I'm conversing, all I do is rush. My thoughts spew out my mouth without a second thought. The words aren't even chosen, it's like my mouth is on autopilot and I can't control a damn thing I say.

Kyla starts to wake up, and as soon as she opens her eyes, they're fixed on me. Damn.

Kyla is feeling guilty. It's written all over her face, and though I know she won't admit it, all she is feeling right now is guilt. Guilty for what exactly, I have no idea. Maybe it's the fact that I had to go find her, and had to save her. Maybe it's for the exact same reason I'm guilty. Though I never reached out to help her, she never once reached out to me either.

"Ash, do you know how freaking scary it is to wake up and see someone staring at you?"

Was I staring…?

"Uh, I guess not?"

Well actually there was this one time…

_[Flashback]_

"_Spence, really, I can feel your eyes on me. Just stop."_

_She's watching me sleep again. It's so weird, how am I supposed to fall asleep when I have two hot blue eyes watching me? _

"_Sorry, I just, I guess I like watching you sleep."_

_Creeper much?_

"_I'm glad, maybe someday I'll let you film me sleep so you can just watch it on the television."_

_No, I'm not serious. That'd just be plain weird. Stalker-like even._

"_No offense Ash, but all that would do is make me look like a freak."_

_Apparently when I'm sleepy it's harder to tell when my words are dripping with sarcasm, go figure._

"_I'm not serious Spencer."_

_Insert eye roll here. I would, but my eyes are closed._

"_Oh, right."_

_Yeah. As if I'd be able to sleep any easier knowing a camera is filming me. What if I talk in my sleep, or drool, or worse, I snore like a man! I don't want that on film…_

"_Go to sleep."_

_I hear Spencer sigh as she cuddles herself into me._

_It only takes a few minutes before I feel her breathing even out, and hear her lightly snore._

"You know, actually Kyla, maybe I do know how weird it is. Sorry."

She laughs a little, and sits up. Rubbing her hands through her bed head, she sighs.

"That was one crazy night huh?"

That's one way to describe it, yeah.

I just nod.

"Ash, if you're waiting to have some deep conversation with me right now, can we just save it? To be honest, I had enough of it last night. Don't get me wrong, there is probably a lot more you want to say, and there's a lot you want to know about what I've been doing, but I don't want to relive it. I just, all I really want to do is start over. If we both sit here and tell the sad stories of our pasts, all we're going to do is set preconceived notions, and we'll never be able to start over."

I guess she's right. Either that or it will just make both of us feel even more guilty for all the lost time, for all the hard times we were never there for each other.

"No you're right Kyla. I don't want you to know some of the stuff I've done, probably just as much, if not more, than you don't want me to know about stuff you've done. Let's just, start over."

She smiles a bit, and lays back down.

"Can we maybe start over in a few hours? I need to sleep off this hangover."

I just laugh, and get up to walk to the kitchen to make some coffee.

It's kind of funny how we always tend to have so much anxiety about things. Like when we're trying to sleep a night before a big concert we're excited to go to, all we can do is think about what might happen. We sit and make up little scenarios, and write up little conversations in our heads. We think about some of the amazing things that could happen, and we get really excited. But then we start to think about the bad things. What if you forget something? What if somehow someone is moshing and knocks you out and you miss the whole show? Then we think about what we might wear. Those blue shorts would look amazing with that band-t. But wait, they don't have pockets.

But then the next morning we wake up, and get ready in a hurry because of how excited we are. Then we get there, and everything turns out amazing. We over thought everything the night before, we lost sleep over nothing.

That's how it was with Kyla. I tried to plan some intense conversation, when I didn't need to. I was more worried about what I would say, than what she would say, than what she'd want me to say. But when it came down to the actual conversation, I barely even had to talk. Which is how I should have seen it, all of this is for her. I shouldn't be so caught up in little things like conversations; I should be focusing on the big picture. It's not about what I want anymore; it's about what she needs.

**This was short, and suckish. Please forgive me. Review if you want, no pressure though.**


	18. Chapter 17

**I'm so sorry it's been so long. About a week ago one of my best friends passed away, and since then all I've done is write depressing poems and such and posted them on DeviantArt. I suppose if you'd like to read them, PM me and I'll give you the link. Anyway, I'm in the middle of the coping process, and it's hard, very hard. But, you'd all love to get into Kyla's head, right? She's not the same Kyla from the show, so beware. Reviews would be lovely.**

**Take Off Your Colours**

_Dear Journal, or Diary, Whatever._

_I'm Kyla, not that a notebook really needs introductions. Spencer told me writing a bunch of stuff would help me to feel better, bless her heart. I'm not even sure what I'm supposed to be writing, or why I'm writing. I'd start from the beginning, but I'm not even sure there is a beginning. There certainly isn't a middle. And considering I'm not dead, there isn't an end either._

_It's pretty crazy that Ashley of all people decided to come play hero. If you would have asked me a week ago if I needed help, I would have laughed, and then I'd leave just to get shit faced drunk. Seeing Ashley upset though, was kind of heartbreaking. I've always seen her be all hard and emotionless. Hell, three months ago Ashley was living the exactly same life I was. I learned from the best._

_You know, I never thought my life would come to this. This being me sitting here on my sister's couch, after finally realizing that I have a lot of problems. I used to have dreams. I used to want so much out of my life, and then it just all stopped. I just, decided I wasn't going to care anymore. I wasn't going to fake a smile to make friends, I was finally going to let go. _

_So much good that did huh notebook? Don't tell anyone, but all I ever really wanted was a friend. Seeing how broken Ashley was, just made me want to somehow help her. I wanted to, but I never did. She had Spencer. She didn't care about me. Then she broke more after Spencer left, and I thought that maybe, becoming her, would mean she'd actually reach out to me. She'd finally want to be my sister, you know?_

_Of course you don't know, you're a notebook. _

_Anyway, the past year of my life has consisted of drugs, lots of those, and alcohol. My two very best friends. _

_It's always a rush. Wondering what limits I can push my body to this time. Testing those limits until one day I just go too far, and poof, I'm gone. It's a game of Russian roulette. Except, Russian roulette is no fun without a gun. _

_If you're thinking, that I was thinking about killing myself, you're wrong. That's not who I am, and it's not someone I'll ever be. However, the thought of not waking up one morning, has never once scared me. I wouldn't ever do anything intentionally, but accidently, who knows?_

_Anyway, for once, I really think things are going to change. Ash seems like a completely new person, and Spencer, well, she's always been too kind for words. I don't know, I just feel like I'm actually getting another chance. Not that me and Ash have had chances, but still._

_As long as I've known her, we've never talked. Never anything more than a hello has left our mouths to each other. But, now we're actually becoming friends. After all, we are sisters, so becoming friends shouldn't be all that weird. I can't help but think this is my fault though, like I'm some kind of burden._

_Face it notebook, the only reason she came back is because she realized that back home, she has a sister who's drinking herself to death. So I guess the reason she came to get me was out of pure pitty. She probably was up one night and realized that everything she was is everything that I now am. I should be happy she came back though. Who knows where I would have ended up today?_

_Ash keeps wanting to have these deep talks. But it's weird. Honestly, I don't even know the girl. I understand that we have a lot that needs to be talked about, but really, I'm not for all that. What I am all for though is starting over, completely, and utterly new. I'm getting to do that now. I'm in fricken Hollywood. Not that being here is that much of a difference than being in LA, but still. Back in LA, everyone knows who I am, and knows who my sister is. Here though, the only people who know me are my sister and her friend? Girlfriend?_

_Hmm, eventually I'll have to ask Spencer about that. I mean, she's the one who left Ash completely broken. And even though I know there had to have been a good reason for Spencer leaving, she still hurt my sister. And though I don't really know my sister, we're still related. Ashley has finally decided to look out for me, now it's my turn to look out for her._

_I almost hope they aren't together, at least not yet. That'd make things a tad bit awkward, don't you think notebook? Me being here all, needy, and them being wherever being all… grabby?_

_It's bad enough I'm here and I have them all feeling sorry for me, the last thing I need is them all over each other._

_So my usual life of sex, and lies seems to be coming to an end, notebook. It sounds like a good thing, but I'm not too sure. Now I have to refrain from one night stands, and actually embark myself on a mission to find someone worth waking up next to. Oh, and I have to cut all the lying. I'm not sure which one of those will offer up more challenges. _

_As All Time Low would sing, I'm Damned if I do, and I'm Damned if I Don't. Meaning, if I don't stop the sex and drinking, I'm screwed, I'm letting myself die. And if I do stop, it'll be hard, and it'll pose challenges which I usually just avoid. So either way, I'm damned. Thanks ATL, or as I heard Ash say last night GAYTL. Even though she thinks your new CD is full of nonsense and reeks of selling out, I still love you for relating to my life, in a weird and twisted way. Ash thinks she's all big and macho with her music abilities, so ATL, don't take it seriously._

_Wow, I really have lost it haven't I? Not only was I referring to this notebook, as notebook, now I'm talking to a band, but really just talking to myself. Yes, that is as confusing as it sounds. Spencer was wrong, this didn't really make me feel any better, it just made me feel crazy._

**My apologies to any All Time Low fans. I got really annoyed with their new CD, and decided to take it out through this chapter.**


	19. Chapter 18

**Take Off Your Colours**

Have you ever been confused? Of course you have, we all have. Have you ever been lost? Sure you have, we all stray. Have you ever wanted something that you can't have? I know you have, we all do. So since we've all felt, thought, and done these things, you can help me, right? What happens when we stop being confused, and just become scared? What happens when someone finally finds us? What are we supposed to do when we obtain that thing we thought we couldn't have?

So many questions, huh? Life needs its own version of Google. A Google that can answer all these questions would be amazing. That way we wouldn't have to wonder so much, and question our actions because we'd always know exactly what to do.

I'm confused. Spencer is everything I've needed, and having her by my side again is amazing. But it's terrifying how quickly it seems like we're falling for each other. Or at least, how quickly I seem to be falling for her again. I don't want this to be one of those stupid television shows where the relationship is rushed, and the couple is too lovey and too, together. Because that isn't real life. Real life is being scared and not rushing things because of how scared we are.

I'm so lost. I'm not sure what I was doing going back for Kyla. Well, I knew what I was doing; I was protecting her from becoming more like me than she already is. But now, I have no idea what to do. Just an hour ago I tried to sit down and just talk to Kyla and she didn't want to. I completely understand why, I just, this is one of those moments where I wish it could be completely cliché. I want to have sisterly heart to hearts that are too perfect. But I'm lost as to where to go now, how to start over as Kyla put it.

I don't know what to do now that I have everything I thought I'd never get. I have Spencer as, well, I'm not sure what we are, but I have her. Then there's Kyla, my sister. I have a sister. Not just a girl who lived in my house, and had a million friends. I have a sister who I can talk to, and a sister who will love me.

It's weird, because now I have two people in my life who love me in completely different ways. Kyla loves me because she has to, because I'm her sister, I'm blood. Spencer though, she loves me because she wants to. With her it's not a choice, she just, loves me, and that's that. I should be happy to have these two people who love me in my life. But for some reason all it's doing is scaring me.

What if by bringing Kyla here, I just mess her up more? What if I'm this big disappointment? Because let's face it, you can only change so much. Once a screw up, always a screw up?

And with Spencer, what if me coming back is just a thrill for her? What if the thrill goes away?

I hate asking what if questions. I hate more that I continue to do it so often. I keep asking what if, and I'm never going to be able to just experience what IS, because I'm too wrapped up in things that could happen.

"Ashley, is there a reason the only thing in your fridge is milk, and a half eaten piece of pizza?"

Right, I haven't actually bought any food yet. Most nights I'm out with Spencer, so I haven't really bothered with it yet.

"Um, no reason in specific. Wanna go shopping?"

She rolls her eyes, and walks out of my room where I had been sitting on my bed questioning life. I get up to follow her to the living room where she's rummaging through her suitcase.

"Let me get dressed."

Hmm, okay this is a start. Shopping with my sister, a lot of people shop with their sisters, this is a good thing. A new thing, but a good thing nonetheless.

"Ashley, you need to slow those thoughts down a bit. Come on, we have major shopping to do"

…

Two hours, and three hundred dollars later Kyla and I find ourselves in the kitchen with a massive amount of bags.

"So… who gets to put all this away?"

Kyla asks while sitting on the counter.

"You're the one who wanted food, be my guest and put it all away."

I answer while leaning against the brown cabinets that line the wall next to the counter Kyla's so happily placed her butt on.

"Exactly, I'm the guest. Therefore you dear sister, can put everything away."

I've never been the organizational type of person; I promise that Kyla doesn't want me to put anything away if she has any plan on finding it later.

"I bought you all this food."

She just rolls her eyes.

"Eventually you would have bought food Ash, and you would have put it all away."

I roll my eyes this time.

"True. But, I wouldn't have bought this massive amount of food if it wasn't for the fact that you think everything looks 'amazing'."

She laughs a little, while grabbing a bag of grapes from one of the paper bags full of food.

"You aren't going to make this easy, are you Ash?"

I laugh too, and answer.

"Of course not, where would be the fun in that?"

I decided to take this moment in. I want to make a memory of it. For the first time I'm actually arguing with my sister. We're acting like sisters. It's not a bad argument, and it's not heated. It's just completely fun. We're just playfully bantering at each other, and it couldn't be any more exciting. This is just the first of many laughs we'll share. The first of many arguments I know we're going to have. This is the promise of a future.

Kyla throws a grape at me breaking me from my thoughts.

"Earth to Ashley, I said how about we just do it together since you seem incapable of doing it yourself."

I think about it for a second, before walking over to where Kyla is sitting, and steal a few grapes.

"I have a better idea."

Kyla raises her eyebrows, and nods at me telling me to continue.

"How about we have Spencer do it?"

She just laughs.

"And how exactly do you think you're going to get Spencer over here just to put away your groceries?"

Oh dear Kyla, you have a lot to learn. Ashley Davies can make Spencer Carlin do almost anything with a little begging and nose crinkling.

Suddenly I don't care about being confused, or being lost. All I care about is having my two favorite girls here with me.

**No Spencer in this chapter, sorry. I'm trying to build up the Ashley, Kyla relationship a little bit. I promise some Spashley next chapter. Please, please review :]**


	20. Chapter 19

**Take Off Your Colours**

After an hour of arguing about who would put away the groceries, Spencer came over and willingly put them away. Okay, I'm lying it wasn't willingly. It took a lot of begging, and many puppy dog faces to convince her to put everything away. Kyla and I found the whole thing funny, because we knew Spence wouldn't be able to resist the Davies puppy dog sad face. No one can resist the Davies puppy dog sad face, no one.

It didn't take Spencer too long to put everything away. I suppose the fact that all the cabinets and the fridge were empty made putting things away a lot easier. Or maybe Spencer is just really good at putting things away? Who knows? I do know that Spencer made it very clear that calling her to make her put away food was never, ever, going to happen again. I just nodded when she made this statement, because I think we both know that most likely, this will happen again.

After about forty-five minutes of watching her put things away Kyla decided she needed to talk a walk, and left Spence and I alone in the kitchen. We've had about three minutes of silence, and I haven't yet decided if I love Kyla for leaving us alone, of if I hate her for it.

"There you go princess, your groceries are all arranged perfectly in your cabinets. Will you be needing anything else?"

I just roll my eyes. Sometimes Spence is just so weird.

"Thanks, you know, for everything Spence."

She walks over to where I think my living room is. Or maybe that's the dining room? Oh well, either way it has a couch in it, and Spencer goes and sits down on it.

"You don't have to thank me Ash. Weirdly enough, I really like doing things for you, just don't make it a habit."

She laughs a little as I take a seat next to her.

It's weird, being here. I never expected any of this, ever.

"Hey Ash, I have a question, but I'm not sure how to ask it."

Don't you just hate it when people ask you if they can ask you a question? Or they tell you that they have a question, but wait for your permission before actually asking it? Well, I completely and utterly hate it. Most of the time it seems like when people have to ask you, if they can ask you a question, it's never a question you actually want to be asked. And if you think about it, them asking you if they can ask a question makes no sense because they are in fact at that moment, asking you a question. None if it makes sense in my mind.

I'm not sure why they don't just ask the question. Why go through the trouble of asking two questions when you could have just asked one question. First of all, it saves time, time that is used up by the other person mentally freaking out because you're about to ask a question that they probably don't want to hear, at all. I don't have a second of all, but either way, I think my point is a valid one.

Don't ask me if you can ask me a question, when in fact you are going to be asking me a question either way. If for some reason you cannot comprehend the wording of my utterly complex sentences, just take this one piece of advice. Don't ask someone if you can ask them a question. It's annoy, and pointless.

I just nod at her telling her it's okay to ask the question.

"Ash, what are we?"

We? There is a we?

"I don't know Spencer. I mean, what do you want us to be?"

She sighs.

Sighs are bad right?

"I don't know Ash, I'm just scared, you know?"

I nod. I don't know what to say, so when in doubt, I just nod.

"Some days we just fit so perfectly, and it scares me. It's scary how fast I can fall for you again. I'm scared of getting hurt, again."

I just look at her. Of all people to be hurt, it should be me.

"I know I left and hurt you, but it hurt me, to hurt you. I don't know."

She looks down, and plays with her fingers.

"Wannah know a secret?"

I think I might have whispered that sentence. I can't really tell. She just nods a little, and looks at me.

"I like you Carlin, I never stopped."

She giggles.

God, do I love that giggle.

"I like you too Davies… I like you too."

I just smile at her and lean over to kiss her cheek. It's a simple act of affection. Nothing too forward, but enough for her to know that I truly care. I want to take it slow. We have all the time in the world to heat this up, for now, I want to bask in the awkwardness of a new found relationship. I want to cherish the awkward moments that are to come when I go to grab her hand for the first time. I want to have the picture perfect awkward, yet amazing, first real kiss.

"Ashley Davies, you know, you're like a bad habit."

I laugh. This girl, she always says the most random things. I adore it.

"Oh really? Well I heard it's hard to break a bad habit."

She giggles again.

"Nah, old habits die hard."

I shake my head and move over to tickle her. It takes a few seconds for her to realize what's going on, and she bursts out in a round of endless giggles and screams. She tries to push me off, but face it, I'm much stronger. Have a few minutes of torture, I stop tickling her and look her dead in the eyes.

She moves her hand up to push a lose curl behind me ear, and as her hand brushes my cheek, I unconsciously bite my lip.

I move closer to her face, and as our lips are about to touch, I move my lips to her ear, and I whisper.

"Old habits might die hard, but darling, I'm too young to die."

**Woo, I've finally wrote a descent chapter. It's short, I'm really sorry for that. The next one will be super long, I promise. I'm just having such a hard time dealing with my friends death that writing doesn't come easy to me lately like it used to. Reviews however would make my day, and encourage me to write, so please review:]**


	21. Chapter 20

**Oh gosh, it's been four months or so since I've updated this. I am so, so sorry. I've gone through so much this year taking a break from writing was good with me. Somewhere within all the heartbreak, death, disappearances', drama, and breakdowns I found a new part of myself. But I won't bore you with details, on to chapter twenty:]**

**Take Off Your Colours**

You know how sometimes in life you're completely certain that nothing is going to go right no matter how hard you try? But somehow within that pessimistic attitude is an optimistic heart, and while you're waiting for the letdown, things actually start to get better?

That's kind of how this whole year has been for me. Somewhere within all the self destruction and hatred, I'm starting to find who I am. None of it makes any sense to me. Normally, I have no expectations in life other than that someday I expect to die completely forgotten. Lately, however, I have expectations of being happy, falling madly in love (again), and finally making something out of myself.

I know there have got to be more people out there like me, because let's face it, just because I am the one and only Ashley Davies, doesn't mean people aren't just like me. Well, assuming you don't count the looks and charm, and the fact that right now I'm holding Spencer Carlin in my arms, they could be just like me. I went from having bad habits, to being one, and when I say I am a bad habit, I mean it in the most amazing way possible. Because face it ladies and gents, who DOESN'T want to be a bad habit to this lovely blonde girl?

I think about how being here is just a dream for me all the time. Because it was just such a short time ago when I was a complete disaster and let my whole life slip from underneath me. Not too long ago I was ready for the world to end. I was the most pessimistic, self hating, girl anyone could ever meet. I was the kind of person who blamed their past on their present and let their present become their past without actually having a chance to a future. I let my hard parentless life come in the way of becoming a better person. I let the moments that I missed out become the moments that would ruin me. I hated the world because I didn't have a father. I hated the world because I lost my best friend, my sister, and my girlfriend. I hated the world because my mom never baked me cakes, and let my lick the bowl when we were done. I hated the world because I wasn't who I wanted to be, yet I made no sudden moves to become anything better.

And when I thought I had lost all hope, I came here, and everything is starting to fall right into place. To be lame and quote a Miley Cyrus song, life is what you make it. As cheesy and it is, it couldn't be more right. I don't know where I would be if I hadn't taken a leap to come find Spencer again. I'd probably be passed out drunk in a bed of a person without a name. My veins would be hard to find, and my arms would be full of scars.

"Mornin' sleepy head."

But somehow, I'm here, in bed with the most amazing person I've ever met, and I couldn't love it anymore.

"Good mornin' Spence."

This is one of those moments in a movie where the girl and the guy lean in very slowly while holding an intense loving stare, and kiss for the first time. Except, this is far from the first time Spencer and I have kissed, but even so, it feels like we're kissing for the first time.

"Ash, can I tell you a secret?"

"You always can."

She giggles, like she always does before continuing.

"I really have to pee, but I'm soo damn comfortable."

I just roll my eyes.

"As warm and amazing as this is darlin', I'd rather not be showered with pee. Go pee, I'll be here when you come back, I promise."

I watch her walk out of the room wearing my tank top, and my boy shorts, and that couldn't make my smile any bigger.

It's so insane how someone can go from having nothing at all, to having everything. How someone can go from not believing in miracles to becoming one. I don't think there is any possible way from me to be any happier with where life is going right now.

"ASHLEYYY, WHERE THE HELL DID SPENCER PUT THE CEREAL?"

Typical eye roll moment brought to you by Kyla. Speaking of her, and her being here, and her not hating me, maybe I can be a little bit happier right now.

Maybe this is how things are supposed to be. We all have some kind of destiny right? We all end up somewhere before leaving. I think we have more than one destiny that our destinies build off each other. You have to make it through one to be able to start the other. You have to shove your way though the bad shit and the tears to make your way to the other side. Sure right now I still have no idea where anything is going. Yeah, tomorrow all of this could completely fall apart. But it's not about tomorrow, or eventually, it's about right now.

So what if this isn't a typical fairy tale? Who the hell wants to be typical these days? I sure as hell know that I don't. I'd rather be crazy as hell, big cheesein', living on the edge than be boring and normal. Forget prince charming and fairy godmothers.

I used to think that my whole life was based off of all the endings. I used to live because I knew there would be an end. But that isn't how life works.

I look at all the things I've accomplished in the past few months and I can easily say that this is not the end, and I'm not just living until the end anymore. I'm living because I finally can see my future, I'm living because I'm finally letting myself be happy, and I'm living because I want to see all the ends become beginnings.

Kyla, Spencer, and I forming these new sisterly bonds, and relationships are not the end of my story. Me putting the pen down and closing this book isn't the end of the story. Because there really is never an end to the stories, there are only new beginnings. Who knows where Spencer and I will go from here, who knows how long Kyla can stay clean? There are going to be more bumps and bruises along the way, it's inevitable. Right now I know that my days of self hate are over. My one night stands are done.

This is the part of the movie where the director cuts to three years down the road. You see the couple holding hands while walking in the park. You can hear the birds chirping, and you can see the smiles on everyone's faces. You figure there have been hardships, but you know from this scene that whatever has happened, the couple have gotten through it together. You see them share soft glances and quick kisses, and part of you melts inside. You melt because you know that this story is over, but you know at the same time it's just beginning. You melt because this gives you hope for all the bad times you have yet to face. You smile as the camera focuses on the couples intertwined hands, as the screen fades black.

This is not the end of my story; it's the beginning of your own.

**This is just the end of this story, but there are more to come. Thanks for all the support.**


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